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12-4-19

Feeling okayish the past week or two. I’ve had a bit of a ear problem, a bit of ear pain, I put drops in in, which made it more blocked, so stopped doing that, because my ears are so important with the amount of music I listen to. I see my Doc on Tuesday next week so will see her about it then.

I’ve been getting some urges the past day or two to self harm again. Like I say I’ve been okayish, not too bad, but I can get urges at any time, I probably won’t this weekend though.

The only good thing coming up is my appointment with the Doc, as I said, on Tuesday of next week, I’m really looking forward to seeing her.

29-3-19

Today was a damn good day. I don’t get them that often. I saw my Doc, which was wonderful, really nice visit, told her about the self harming I did a couple of weeks back, she was very supportive, as usual. Showed her the pictures that I took of it. She done a great job of listening. I was in a good mood going in, so it was a nice laid back chat that we had. I left feeling great.

Got home, and listened to the new Consider Suicide album stream on YouTube, which is brilliant, so of course I rushed over to bandcamp and picked it up there, I thoroughly recommend it.

So, a really good day.

17-3-19

Got a nice few bruises from the self harming, not loads of bruising, but enough to satisfy me, a few of them are quite dark, very nice to look at. Pleased.

16-3-19

Yesterday was an amazing day. I saw my Doc, and it was brilliant, we had a long talk about how I’ve been feeling lately, about depression, self harm, it was great. It’s so good to talk in depth about such subjects to such an intelligent lady and wonderful Doctor. She’s the only one I’ve got to talk to about things like this. She also gave me a lovely warm hug at the end of the appointment, wonderful. Having her back in work is the best thing that will happen this year.

And also, I self harmed. I used needles again, it was very satisfying. I had quite a lot of blood out of it too. It was good, I have a little bruising afterwards, I’m hoping that I get some more bruising in the coming days. I was very relaxed afterwards, very nice feeling.

14-3-19

Feeling pretty shit today. Felt subdued for most of the day, and it’s starting to get to a depressive type of feeling by now, nearly evening. I’m thinking about self harming. I won’t today, not sure about tomorrow. I have an appointment with the Doc tomorrow so might wait until I see her before I do anything. I’ve been thinking about self harm for most of this week, the thoughts crept into my mind early in the week and they haven’t left. I crave that high you feel while you’re self harming. I sit here feeling shit and I know for a fact that self harming will make me feel better, it’s a hard thing to withstand, when you know something will make you feel better, it’s very difficult not to do it. I did go out today, I didn’t feel too bad before I went though, it wasn’t until I was coming home that I started to get a bit flat. I’ll still go out again tomorrow, got to flash those fake smiles and act as though I’m “okay”.

5-3-19

Saw the Doc last Friday afternoon and it was fantastic, had a great talk with her, I tell her things that I tell no one else, I left feeling great, looking forward to seeing her again a week Friday.

Not been up to too much really, the thoughts of self harm have slowly started to come back lately, I’ve been thinking about it, I might soon, it relaxes me so much that it’s hard to go too long without doing it.

The winter has ended, which saddens me, I love the winter so much, but it won’t be too long before it’ll be back, just have to get through these infernal warmer months

17-2-19

I saw Dr. P on Friday. I had been excited about it all week, she gave me a wonderfully warm hug, it was so great welcoming her back. I can’t describe how good it is to have her back, I felt so good, just sitting with her, talking, about the past year, and everything really. I told her how much I missed her, it was just fantastic, no other words to describe it. She said hse was doing great too, said everything was going well with her new baby, which I was pleased to hear. It’s important to me, when I see someone, whether it’s a Doctor, or a Nurse, or anyone like that, it’s important to me to hear how they are doing too. I sometimes feel a bit selfish just talking about myself all the time, and more importantly if I really like someone I want to hear how they are doing in their life too. So it was good to hear that she was doing well. I’ve felt great all weekend after seeing her. I have an appointment with her again in just under 2 weeks, she asked and I said I preferred to see her as regular as I can, she said she preferred that too, I’m looking forward to seeing her again now.

Other than that, to be honest I can barely remember what I did the past week, not much, same routine, no depressive feelings.

12-2-19

Felt down yesterday. It was 9 years since I lost my girl and it made me feel down yesterday, moreso this year than the past couple of years for some reason. Just hit me a bit harder than usual this year, for whatever reason. I do feel a bit better today though.

9-2-19

I saw Dr. H on Thursday, and I asked if Dr. P was back yet, which she said yes she came back last week. So I told Dr. H that I was going back to Dr. P, I said that I felt terrible for saying it and that I didn’t want her to think I was going back to Dr. P because I wasn’t happy with her, I told her I was really happy with the past year, and what she’s done for me. Dr. H was great, said it was no problem at all and that she understood, said she knew that I had been with Dr. P for quite some time and also said that I now have someone to see if Dr. P has to have any time off work again, which made me feel better. But I said I still felt awful, Dr. H said, don’t worry, don’t feel bad, it’s okay. She was great about it. I gave her a hug just to say thanks. I still couldn’t help feeling bad though. But on the plus side I am so excited to see Dr. P again, I made an appointment with her for next Friday. I’m so looking forward to it, I can’t wait to see her again. It’s been nearly a year she’s been off, and I’ve thought about her a lot, just how she’s doing and how her new baby is, how she’s coping, and now I can see her again, it’s a great feeling to have her back.

Pretty quiet week other than that, not many self harm thoughts lately. Maybe it’s the winter, I’m a bit backwards to most people, I hate the summer, and love the winter, it’s my favourite season. I’ve been fairly good for the past couple of weeks now.

9-1-19

Had a pretty good day overall, saw Dr. H and it was a good visit, I enjoyed it. I had some amazingly good news from her, Dr. P is starting back to work at the end of this month! Brilliant! I felt so good leaving the surgery, just the thought of her coming back to work, and seeing her again fills me with joy. It’s going to be amazing to see her again after a year or so, so really looking forward to that. I am a bit concerned though, because I will obviously have to tell Dr. H that I’m going back to Dr. P which makes me feel a bit sad, because Dr. H is a sweet lady and a great Doctor, who has given me good support while Dr. P has been away. I feel a bit awkward, but it’s something I’m just going to have to do.

Rest of the day was good, I had a few beers, so felt a bit merry, which was pretty nice.