OK, so it’s my friends birthday today, and to celebrate it for her, here is one of her favourite songs by her favourite band. So happy birthday!
Last week was fairly good. The highlight was seeing my Doc, it was a great visit, told her some things on my mind, it was nice sharing those thoughts with her. She also asked me who I was going to see while she is away on maternity leave, so she suggested Dr. H, which I said yeah okay. She said she’ll talk to Dr H about me and tell her some of my background and the self harming etc… just so I don’t have to go through it all with her. I’ve seen Dr H in the surgery, she does look like a nice lady. I am going to miss Dr P while she is away, she leaves around March, so not long. I hope the 6 months goes fast.
Dr. P also said about maybe referring me back to my psychiatrist. Which I think I would like, for various reasons. But there’s also a part of me that thinks “I don’t want to make a fuss about myself, I’m not worth it”. So that part of me says no, don’t get referred back, but the part of me that wants to share my self harming, suicidal and other thoughts wants to get referred back. I don’t know. Thing is not even my psychiatrist saw my worst side, I’m so private I sometimes wasn’t as open as I should have been, which I would try to rectify if I did see my psychiatrist again. It’s the same thing, I think to myself “I’m not worth the help, I’m not worth her time”, so I sometimes didn’t say what was truly on my mind. I shared a lot of things, but maybe not as much as I should have. I’ll think it over.
Other than that, nice cold weather, lovely to go out for a walk in. I feel a bit under the weather today, don’t know if I have a cold coming on me, we’ll see how that goes.
That new Make a Change… Kill Yourself album is brilliant. I heard the first track before release of course but the whole album is really great, was listening to it a lot last night.
Feeling quite a bit better this morning, the depression has nearly lifted. Fell alseep pretty fast last night, slept almost straight through, woke up and felt fairly good, so I’m glad it’s mainly lifted.
Felt a bit depressed this afternoon, there was no particular reason for it, it just came on me, around 1.30pm, stayed the rest of the afternoon, I felt a bit tired as well, so I lay down for most of the afternoon and listened to music. That’s depression, just comes on you when you least expect it. It wasn’t terribly bad depression, but it wasn’t very nice either. I talked with a friend of mine online this evening and that has helped to lift me, she is marvellous, the depression isn’t so bad this evening. Hopefully it’ll be gone by morning, otherwise the self harm thoughts will come. But I hope I’ll wake in the morning and will be feeling better.
Well, I done the right thing this morning. I went down the Surgery and told the receptionist I had an appointment, told her the time, my name etc.. And I said can you check if it’s with Dr. P, so she checks and says no, it’s with a new lady Doctor here. So I says Oh, can you cancel it then please, and she says yeah ok. So she cancels and asks me if I want to make an appointment with Dr. P, so I says yes please. So she makes a new one for next Wednesday at 10.30am. I’m really glad I went down there to check now. My little hunch on Saturday was correct, I had a feeling they might have booked me in with a different Doctor. Glad I got it sorted. A little irritated I’ll have to wait another week and a half to see my Doc, but at least I sorted it by myself. I’ll just have to be patient and wait.
Today has been quite nice, went for a nice walk this morning. It was foggy, and misty with bits of rain in the air, quite chilly. A lovely winter’s day. Took some pictures as well. Enjoyed that walk, it was good.
I felt anxious early this morning, before I went out because I suddenly thought to myself, did they book me in with Dr. P on Monday. Because when they rebooked the appointment over the phone, they only said what day and time it was, so of course I assumed that it would be with my Doc, but I didn’t actually say to them is that with Dr. P? I get extremely nervous and anxious on the phone, and as a result I sometimes forget to say things, and I feel flustered and rushed. I hate it. Anyway, I was worried for a little while, but then I thought to myself, my appointment is 9.50am, so I’ll go down there at 8am when they open and double check if my appointment is with Dr P., if so then fine I’ll go back later, if it’s not with her, I’ll cancel and make a new appointment. I know it’s a bit short notice, but I’m not seeing anyone else. I felt a bit better after thinking of doing that. I hate it when I forget things because I’m anxious on the phone, happens all the time.