So obviously, like a hell of a lot of people around the world, the biggest thing going on lately has been the virus going around. It hasn’t affected me directly, which I hope continues. Thing is, they gave all the advice to not go out, stay at home, and it’s pretty much what I do all the time anyway, isolation from other people, so that part of it has not affected me at all, I’m used to being on my own and not being around people much. So staying in the house has been no problem for me, and when I do go out early in the morning just for a walk by myself, I go nowhere near anyone, which again, is what I’m like anyway, so no change there. Luckily hardly anyone is around at 6:30am anyway. But yeah, I have barely been out, spent most of the past week or two in the house, which has been fine by me. I’m most worried if someone I care about catches it. I did have to have a phone appointment with my doctor instead of face to face, which went great. I’ve had a phone phobia for a very long time, I hate using phones, and I was nervous waiting for her to call me, but when she did it felt very natural talking to her over the phone. The relationship I’ve built up with her in person obviously helped a lot. So that went great, she’ll call me again in a couple of weeks or so, she had a cold, sounded a bit rough on the phone, so I hope she gets better soon. So that’s about it for now, the depression has been staying away for the time being, I’ve had some anxiety, but my moods have been pretty good.
In a bit of a shitty mood this evening. I don’t think people realise what words and actions can do to someone unstable. So yeah, I wouldn’t mind some self harming, although I won’t this evening now, too tired.
I saw the Doc last week. I told her about finishing with the mental health worker. she was okay with it, asked me how I felt about it, I said I felt fine. We had a nice chat, she was a bit behind time so I didn’t want to make her even later, but it was really good. I told her that as long as I have her as my Doctor I don’t need anyone else, which is true. I see her again in a couple of weeks.
Apart from that not much has happened the past week or two, my anxiety has not been very good the past week or so, I’ve had some high anxiety spikes some days where I haven’t felt well at all, then some days I’ve been feeling okay and my anxiety has been normal. No depressive episodes, some small times where I have felt a bit depressed but nothing too bad.
I saw my mental health worker on Wednesday of this week. It was a good visit and I had a nice chat but at the end of the appointment, she said this is it now, this is the last session, I said “really?”. She said yeah, didn’t you know, and I said no. She said sorry about that, I was supposed to have you for two more sessions, but they took them off me, because the mental health system is poorly funded. I said that’s alright, I understand, which I do, I wasn’t mad, I know mental health is very poorly funded. It does piss me off in a way though, because I could have been suicidal and what if I was turned away then? Luckily I haven’t been suicidal for a while, but who knows, I could have been and what would have happened then, would I have been told my sessions were cancelled because of poor funding. There could very well be other people out there who are desperately suicidal and will not have the help they need in time. It’s just sad, sad that it’s so poorly funded and overlooked, how many people are going to commit suicide because they can’t get enough help or because they can’t get it in time. How many will kill themselves before mental health gets the funding it deserves. It’s not the workers fault, the one I saw was very nice, most of them try their best, but when the resources are not there what can they do. I am fortunate, I have a doctor who I see every two weeks who gives me amazing support and goes above and beyond her job title to help me, but others are not so fortunate. The mental health worker did recommend to me that I ask my doctor to refer me back again to see someone for more sessions and support, I’ll discuss it with the doc next Tuesday, I’m not really sure what I want at the moment.
I did get the new Mortiis album, yay for me. It was a day after I posted that I hadn’t gotten it yet.
Feeling fairly good, I have an appointment with the mental health worker tomorrow, I don’t really feel like going, but I will. Sometimes the travelling to and from the place gets me down a bit, and I still don’t think I am totally used to having someone else to talk to. I’d be happy if it were just the Doc, but she wants me to have more help I think. Anyway, I’ll go.
Past couple of weeks have been fairly flat. I saw the mental health worker last Wednesday, it was a good visit. I saw my Doc last Friday and that was amazing, I had a fantastic talk with her, just about how I feel about relationships and how I feel about ladies and men, it was really good, I love going in depth with her, and it’s so easy to talk with her, I feel comfortable talking about anything, I wish I could have more time with her, that’s the only downside.
My moods have been what I said up above, flat. Haven’t been feeling depressed, just flat, some apathy. I have been getting thoughts about self harming, I’m really starting to miss it, I haven’t done it in a while and I just feel like I need something to pick me up and what better than some self harming. So I might soon, I don’t know yet, haven’t decided.
My anxiety has been through the roof these past few days, it’s been really bad. There’s things I need to do but can’t because it’s been so bad, it’s hard to relax when it’s this bad, I try to but it is really difficult. It’s making me feel like shit physically as well. I need to reply to some people online too but the anxiety has just been consuming me, it’s hard to set my mind on writing replies when I’m anxious, it’s hard to do anything really when you’re anxious.
Saw the Doc this afternoon, brilliant visit, we had a great chat. I do worry about her though, she said she’d had a hard day with people, said she wasn’t very popular today, which made me feel angry at the people making her feel that way. So I told her she was the greatest person I’d ever met, which she is, I don’t lie. I told her no matter how hard your day has been and no matter what people have said to her, that she has patients (me) who think the world of her. I just hope she doesn’t get to the stage where she doesn’t like it at my practice and wants to leave, that’s my biggest fear at the moment, losing my Doc. Having my appointments every 2 weeks with her makes me feel so good, I feel brilliant after every appointment with her, as soon as I leave I can’t wait for the next appointment. I just enjoy so much sitting back being relaxed and talking openly about everything.
I also saw my mental health worker on Wednesday, which was also a good visit. We had a good chat. I’m slowly starting to get used to having someone else in my life to talk to. It takes time with me, I’m very used to being alone, I’m not used to having people in my life, it’s going to take just a bit more time I think.
Saw the Doc last Friday, we had a good chat, talked about my anxiety, she said i could have a short course of benzodiazepines if I want, to help me relax, I said I’m okay for now, will see how my anxiety is over the next 2 weeks, and if it’s still bad I might have some then. It was a good visit, it’s very rare that I have someone in my life who genuinely cares about me, she is one of the very few.
Other than that nothing much else to say, as I said my anxiety is still bad, it’s getting slightly better over time though. Been a bit depressed this afternoon. I’ve been thinking about maybe self harming soon, I don’t know yet.
So, I had a a totally shit Christmas and new year, things happened that ruined it. To top it off I think I had a small panic attack this morning, so I’ve been feeling like shit today. I may write more about what’s been happening soon, I don’t know yet.
I do see a mental health worker tomorrow, which I will admit I don’t really feel like going, but I will. I see my Doc on Friday morning of this week, which I can’t wait for, I always want to see her no matter what mood I’m in.
No self harming or bad depressive episodes over the past few weeks. But lots and lots of bad anxiety.