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3-9-21

My doc rang me a few days ago, it was an unexpected call, but a great one. I didn’t have an appointment, she just rang to see how I was doing, that’s my doc, caring all the time. We had a chat, I told her I was a little down, nothing too bad, just a bit down, it was great hearing from her, just hearing her speak to me over the phone makes me feel good and makes me feel that there is someone who cares. She said we’d speak again soon, and said if I needed her sooner just put a call through for her. So that was a highlight of the week for me.

25-8-21

I’ve been going out and walking lately, as usual. But I’ve been going to places where there’s less people – on purpose. But I thought to myself, I really need to walk around some towns, mainly for my mental health, because the last thing I want is for my social phobia to take over me again. So I forced myself to do some walking around some towns the past few days, the first day I was actually a bit uneasy walking through town, and it was a reminder to myself to at least walk around town some times, not all the time, but some times at the very least, just to keep the social phobia at bay. I control it now and I don’t want it taking over my life again. I’m going out a bit less now as I don’t go to the place I used to go to anymore. So I do need to keep a balance, walk around more secluded places, because that’s what I prefer, but also to walk around town a bit, even if I don’t feel like it. I put in a lot of hard work to get my social phobia under control and I’m not letting that take me over again.

7-8-21

Past couple of months have been pretty quiet, which is not a bad thing. I’ve spoken to the doc a few times, she’s doing well, which I’m pleased about. No real depressive episodes, my moods have been surprisingly stable. Anxiety hasn’t been too bad, I’m anxious nearly all of the time, but obviously there are worse times than others. I have my eye on some medical supplies, some of my supply has run low and some has run out of date, sop I’m going to buy some new soon, just to have on hband if I do slip up. Summer is running out now, which is good, I prefer the cold, although in another way I do sometimes feel a bit down when things change, like the seasons for example.

29-5-21

I’m such a fucking idiot. I missed a call from my doctor yesterday evening. I was lying on my bed half asleep with my headphones on, and she called me and I didn’t hear the phone. Fuck sake! Fuming mad at myself today, there were things I wanted to talk to her about. I’ll have to make a new appointment with her next week. I’ve missed calls before and she’s always fine about it, she understands. But I can’t help but be pissed off with myself. I feel so disappointed today. Sometimes it makes me wonder why people even try to care about me, when I go and miss their calls. Argh fuck me! I can’t wait until next week when I can make a new appointment and then apologize to her.

24-5-21

I’ve been quiet on this blog here for a while.

At time I’ve been dealing with extreme anxiety, which when it happens leaves me unable to do almost everything, and I don’t really feel like writing or doing anything else. Thankfully my anxiety is not too bad at the moment. All thanks to my doctor.

I had bad depression for all of March and into April. I made a phone appointment with my doctor, she rung me back as soon as she could. She let me go down and see her face to face, I had already had one vaccine so she didn’t mind me going down there to see her. So I went down and it was brilliant, just seeing her again after over a year, we had a good talk, a very good talk. It was so good just telling the only person I trust that I was not feeling well. She said I should have rung sooner, which I should have, but sometimes I have such a low opinion of myself that I don’t think other people want to help me. But just spending time with her was amazing, it lifted my depression. We went back to phone appointments afterwards, because they don’t like people going down there too much, which is fair enough, I don’t mind that.

Then I got a physical problem which was worrying me and started my anxiety, it was bad anxiety, I couldn’t even look at anyone. I held on until my phone appointment with my doctor and she told me to go down and see her right after we talked, which I did. It was a very personal problem, embarrassing. But the way she handled the situation was just perfect, she told me not to worry she didn’t think it was anything serious, she also told me to stay off google, which I’m like most people, I google my symptoms, but she told me not to do that. Looking back it was after I looked online that my anxiety got really bad. After the appointment I was walking home and I didn’t feel embarrassed about the appointment, what she said and what she did was just perfect, she made me feel at ease. So after that I did stop worrying, and my anxiety started to leave me. The physical problem is still irritating me, but it’s not worrying me.

I have another phone appointment with her this week, I’m looking forward to that. I know I write about her a lot, but she’s the only one I talk to, the only one I truly trust.

So right now, I’m not feeling too bad, trying to relax most days, going out on walks most days and just trying to stay calm.

30-3-21

I’ve had some very bad depressive days over the past week. Last week, from Tuesday onwards was really bad, I nearly self harmed on Thursday, something came up though so it was inconvenient for me to do it. My mood started to rise over the weekend. But today has been shit, since the morning I’ve felt down. The weather really isn’t helping, I hate all of this sunny and bright shit. I’m kind of backwards, I really hate the sunny days. I haven’t had a springtime depression this bad for a number of years. I’ve had it before, but this is the worst for a long time. I’m really missing my doctor, I want to see her, but I can’t right now obviously, but it’s really getting me down, I just want to sit down with her and talk. I’m so tempted to self harm at the moment, maybe I will soon, I don’t know yet. Hopefully things will be a bit better tomorrow.

24-3-21

Had a few shit days. Monday my anxiety was sky high, which then gave way later to depression. Yesterday I was flat all day long, felt quite depressed. Slightly better today, but still I don’t feel too good. Just pissed off with everything too. Haven’t enjoyed my walks. Keep thinking of self harm a lot. I just want to be in complete solitude. I would love if I could go somewhere and just be alone, just walk for miles without having any human interaction whatsoever. Pissed off with other people, but also pissed off with myself.

20-3-21

I have a touch of springtime depression it seems. Some days I’m okay, other days I feel depressed. The depression seems to only come in the first half of the day, the second half of the day my moods tend to pick up a bit. I’ve had some thoughts of self harm, I haven’t really come close as of yet, but the thoughts and memories are soothing to me. The change in weather hasn’t helped. It’s transitioning to springtime and I hate the change in weather, bright and sunny, I can’t stand it, I love the dark days. It’s sad to see the dreary winter days go. I’ve been walking everyday I can, I love walking near nature, the only thing that drains me somewhat is just when I have to walk past people, say hello, whatever else, that drains me. I wish there was places I could go in complete solitude.

1-3-21

Feeling very melancholic these past couple of days, especially today. Maybe it’s the changing of the weather, changing of the seasons, I don’t know. Thinking about old days today, memories, wishing I could go back, relive happier times, and to change the bad times. Knowing that it’s not possible. Feeling wistful, just thinking, thinking a lot of old times. Thinking about if certain things happened differently, other things could have turned out much different. Thinking of past mistakes, but also thinking of things that happened that wasn’t my fault, which bothers me more than my own mistakes. I can live with my own mistakes better than I can living with things that weren’t my fault. Thinking about all of this when I was out on my walk this morning, also thinking of it now though, so much time just to think about things.

26-2-21

Had quite a stable week and a half. I did have a couple of really anxious days nearly two weeks ago, which was not enjoyable. Since then it’s been fairly stable thankfully. Moods have been okayish. Lockdown suits me, it means I don’t have to be around people which suits me just fine. I think sometimes half the problem is that I have to deal with people, not as often as others but I do still have to deal with people which takes a toll. Even when I’m out walking and I walk towards someone I know, I dread it, because then I have to try and make small talk for a minute or two, which is like torture to me. Winter is nearly over, which is a shame, lighter nights ahead, which I hate. Warmer days ahead, which I hate.