I saw the Doc yesterday morning. It was good to see her. I was feeling a bit subdued before I went down, but it was great to have a talk with her. She said she is going to send a letter to my psychiatrist to maybe see me again, or to just review some things, I said that was fine to do that. I’ve known the Doc now, for around 3 years and she has not done one thing wrong, everything she has said or done has been perfect. But I do think that she is a bit afraid of saying or doing something wrong by me, which she could never do, but I still think that she is a bit afraid. She knows that she is all I have to talk to, I don’t talk to anyone else here where I live, so she’s all I have, I know she may not have the training that a psychiatrist has had, but she’s caring, a great listener and gives good advice, and that’s important. So we’ll see what the psychiatrist says back to her once she gets the letter.
Now, this past month or two I’ve been feeling negative all around, some depression, sometimes just feeling flat, and other times, as I said, very negative. So I self harmed this afternoon. I cut myself. It felt really good. I haven’t cut myself for a while, I’ve been using needles for nearly a year now, which have been fine, I’ve enjoyed them. But I have also been missing the feeling I get when I use a knife, it’s a different sort of feeling, and I’ve missed it. So today I cut myself. Nothing too bad, quite small cuts really. I wasn’t terribly depressed, so I didn’t really need to do bad cuts. They were enough to give me a good feeling. I have been thinking about maybe doing a bigger cut again, maybe I will soon, who knows, but these smaller ones will do for today. I’m feeling relaxed now.
So I had an email nearly a week ago, from ROSKOMNADZOR. It said I had been sent a notice saying that I had forbidden content (a self harm image) and that my site will now be blocked by communication operators on the territory of the Russian Federation, and to please inform them about the removal of information in the shortest time possible. So there we go I’m blocked in Russia now. I won’t be taking down the offending image, it’s only a few cuts. This is of course assuming that it really is from ROSKOMNADZOR and not a fake message.
I self harmed again 20 minutes ago. I feel very good now, nice and relaxed. 6 needles again, fair amount of blood. I feel accomplished now, I’m sitting here and feeling like I’ve done something constructive today. I haven’t got the photos done yet, I might post them later, don’t know yet.
I can possibly self harm tomorrow or in the coming days at least. Things have quietened down a bit. I had someone here at the house today doing some work so it was inconvenient again, but it should be quiet the next few days, so hopefully I should get some quiet time to myself to do what I want in peace..
Saw the Doc this morning. She asked me how my moods have been, which I said that they haven’t been too good and that I feel like self harming. I would have last week, except there was quite a lot of stuff going on in my home, so it wasn’t really convenient. But i told her I probably will soon, once things settle down a bit. She asked me was there anything that I needed – meaning dressings and stuff, which I said no I don’t think so. Now that is great support, offering me dressings, that’s the kind of support that you need. She was great, as usual. I see her again in just under 3 weeks.
Apart from that not much to say, my moods have been shit, I’m going to self harm soon. I am appearing “normal” to other people, they have no idea that I am not feeling too good, which actually makes me feel good, that they don’t know.
Been feeling pretty shit the past week or so. A strange sort of melancholy, one I have rarely felt, I have melancholy all the time, but this one is a slightly different sort of melancholy. Some depression too. Thoughts of self harm, which I think I will probably do soon, when it’s a bit more convenient. There’s times I sit or lay down and just think I’m ready to die. I just get so fed up of this world and life at times, I think I’m better off someplace else. Maybe I was never meant for this world, there’s times I believe that. It’s clear to me I don’t fit in anywhere, and I don’t think I want to fit in anyway, I’m content being an outcast and being different. What is there to live for anyway?
I feel quite accomplished. I saw the Doc a few hours ago and I let her examine me. I’m glad that I didn’t get out of it the way I did last time. She was great, did everything right, done nothing wrong, I felt very safe with her. I still felt embarrassed while I was getting ready, but really, what was there to be embarrassed about, she’s seen it all before. And as I said to her when I was getting ready to leave, that’s what anxiety does, it always makes things seem worse before but when you go through with it, it’s very rarely as bad as your mind makes it beforehand. So I’m feeling pretty good this evening. The Doc never ceases to amaze me, she’s the best with mental health, but she’s also the best with physical problems, I’m lucky to have her as my Doctor.
Also I’ve had a good couple of days with a cold, I got it this past weekend, so I’ve been lying down a lot on my bed, listening to music, watching TV, why not? And of course I can do that while I have a cold, if you lie down on your bed when your depressed, you get questioned, but lie down when you have physical problems, no one questions you then.
Saw the Doc last Friday morning. I was a bit weak, she didn’t examine me, I got out of it, felt nervous. I told her the cream helped, which it did, so she said well keep on using the cream and then maybe I’ll examine you next time I see you. So I said that sounded fine. I do want her to examine me, I’m just nervous about it, but I do want to get it sorted out, so I’m going to have to just stop feeling so nervous.
We did have a nice chat after that as well, just about me, my life. I told her I was feeling a bit fed up lately, not depressed, just fed up, with my life in general. Fed up with how shit it is, I yearn for change, for something different, I’m not sure what, a bit more freedom maybe. At the same time I am afraid of change though, so I’m a bit contradictory. I sometimes feel a bit smothered, by family, and want to get more freedom, as I said. I just sometimes want to get a life away from my family and homelife, and have the two separate, a home/family life, but then a more social life. I don’t know. Not social in the sense of having lots of friends and going out all the time, I don’t want that, I’m too introverted, I like listening to music on my headphones in a dark room most of the time. But just to have 2 separate parts of my life.
I see the Doc again in 3 weeks. Looking forward to it.
Other than that, nothing to speak of.