I have had a pretty shit past week or two. Last Thursday my anxiety started getting bad again, really bad. Lots of pains. Lasted all of last weekend and into the beginning of this week. I can’t seem to shake anxiety at the moment, it has a grip on me. The past 5 weeks or so, anxiety has just been coming over me in waves, and when it starts it’s hard to stop. It would be nice to have a break from it for a few weeks, feel calm for a change. Luckily my depression has kept at bay, I hardly ever get depression and anxiety at the same time anyway, not when it’s a bad case of it. My anxiety and depression are always there even when one is bad, but I don’t generally get both bad at the same time. At some points I’m just sitting here anxious about getting anxious again, not good. I did go and get my bloods done yesterday, which left me with a nice bruise on my arm, it’s tempted me to self harm, it’s a good feeling looking down and seeing a bruise on my arm. It was nice to see a nurse though, I enjoyed that, my Doc put on my notes for my blood pressure and weight to be taken too, she takes good care of me, and people wonder why I have such a high opinion of her. I speak to her next week by phone, which I’m looking forward to, just to be able to tell someone my anxiety has been bad is a relief in itself. I’ve nearly finished my benzos, so I’m hoping she’ll give me some more to have here in case it gets bad again. That’s about it, I’ve been going out for walks, when the weather is okay, which has been nice, nice and cold weather, which I adore.
I’ve been really quiet on this blog for a few weeks. My anxiety has been totally shit, it’s been so bad. I had a panic attack, my Doctor has rung me twice in the same week, wrote out a script for some Benzodiazepines for me. I still have some left, but I’ll probably take them next week, I’m just trying to last them out until I speak to the Doc again, which will be in a week and a half, she’ll give me some more then. I’ve just been trying to stay as relaxed as I can. I haven’t been going out as much, because I think that was part of the reason why I was so anxious. I hate it when my anxiety is this bad, the physical symptoms that it gives me are terrible. It gives me more physical symptoms than any other mental health issue I have. I hate how it makes me feel. Every day I’m just trying not to do anything that will start it off again. I’m really missing seeing my Doc, I haven’t seen her since February because of this fucking virus, and it’s really gotten me down now, I’m missing seeing her and having a chat every 2 weeks, it really keeps me going, and going without that is hard. I really enjoyed that routine I had of seeing her, and she’s the only one here who I talk to, she always helps me every time I see her. Also my routine has gotten messed up, which is not good for me. I like structure, I like routine, I like things being in their place, and when I feel like I’m not in control every day that gets me down too. I don’t mind the odd occasional day where things are different, but not every day. So I’ve been trying to get my routine back to how I like it, which I have done pretty much these past couple of weeks. I’ve been lying down a lot on my bed in the afternoon and chilling, which makes me sound lazy but I don’t care, I’m doing it for my health. And that’s about how my past few weeks have been, anxious and stressed. I just have to keep on trying to relax as best as I can. I’m looking forward to the Doc ringing me again soon, that’s something to look forward to, it’s good being back in touch with her regularly again, even if it is only by phone.
I’ve barely updated this site for the past month or so, partly due to being unusually busy some days and partly due to me being lazy.
I’ve been feeling very nostalgic these past few days, listening to old music that I used to listen to when I was younger, it brings back a lot of memories. I’ve been thinking a lot of around 2001/2002 or so. It was a very chaotic couple of years for me, self harming every week, lots of depression, suicide attempts. I’ve also been looking at some old self harm pictures that I took of myself, from around that time, also from other times. It brings a lot of memories and feelings back to me. Listening to the old music and looking at the photos makes me very wistful. Even though I was going through some bad times, which was extremely difficult at the time and something I wished I wasn’t going through at the time, looking back I kind of long for those times. The negative side of me wants to do those things again. Even though it was a desperate time, I long for it. Listening to that old music just makes me think of all those times and make me feel like self harming right now just thinking about those times. I’ve been feeling a bit down anyway, maybe that’s why I listened to old music again, which then makes me think of old days, which then makes me want to do those things again. I’m a very nostalgic kind of person anyway, I do long for older days, certain points of time in the past. It’s probably not a good idea for me to relive those days, if someone was giving me advice, it would probably be not to look at old self harm photos or not to listen to old music. But honestly, I don’t care, the negative side of me likes to do those things and wants to do those things and that side of me usually wins out.
Other than that, I’ve been going out more now, doing some stuff, like I say, busy some days, which I’m not usually that busy but I have been lately. I’m glad summer is nearly over, I love Autumn.
Past week has been up and down. Anxiety has still been a bit shitty, but it has been better than last week so that’s a plus. I’m getting some small depressive feelings now and again though, which is not good, because they are quite intense, even if they do only last for a short while. Good thing is that I’ve been doing some stuff over the past week to take my mind off things for a bit, which has helped. I would really like to see my Doc again to be honest, I’m really missing her. I know I can’t see her at the moment, but I really want to. Talking to her is the best thing to ease my depression and anxiety, I miss being able to just sit down with someone face to face and be totally relaxed and open about everything, she’s the only one I am like that with.
My anxiety has been sooo bad this past week. I got the stress hives from it as I mentioned before. But I think I also had a small panic attack last Friday, I initially thought it was all physical, but thinking back I’m not so sure, I think it may have been a panic attack. Just going on the symptoms and how I felt seems to fit with a panic attack. I hate those things. I’ve had symptoms now for days afterwards, it does usually take a while for all of the symptoms to disappear. So the weekend was totally shit. I spent nearly all of Saturday on my bed resting, Sunday I didn’t do much, and Today I spent a lot of the afternoon on my bed. The symptoms are starting to go slowly. I think it all came from last Monday when I got really anxious, then maybe it took a few days for a panic attack to happen, I’ve had that happen before.
I had such stressful days on Monday and Tuesday that I think I had a bit of stress hives, which is a first for me. At least I think it is, not 100% sure, I haven’t had a second opinion, it just looks like it. I was very anxious both days, not a lot of fun, some good deep breathing exercises helped.
I have felt some depression these past couple of days though, I’ve been fairly depression free for a little while, but yesterday afternoon and this morning was particularly depressing. It has gotten a bit better this afternoon. I’m starting to long for those nice and calm feelings I get from self harming. Maybe I need to get out more, I don’t know. I can’t really go out too much though at the moment.
Apart from that I haven’t been doing a lot, obviously, the situation being what it is.
So things have been going… the same I would say. Things are pretty similar every day. Funny thing is, I think it’s going to be harder for me to adjust to the lock down ending as it was to the lock down beginning. I like being away from people, that’s been a good thing. With a couple of exceptions of course, I do miss a couple of people but everyone else, I’m glad to be away from. I’m going out walking early every morning so at least I’m getting out a little bit. I think I’m going to find it quite tiring when the time comes for me to get back to something resembling a routine of going out more, being around people tires me out. I haven’t had any serious depressive episodes, some days are a bit flat, but no depression. I have had some thoughts of self harming, I do miss it very much, whether I’ll do it soon I can’t answer that, it’s just some random thoughts at the moment, nothing is imminent. So yeah, everything is just…. the same at the moment.
I got the new Kall album today, through Bandcamp. It’s really good, not as good as the debut but it’s a good listen. The Vinyl was sent earlier this week so looking forward to getting that.
I found out this person who I have known for nearly 20 years, they went off facebook a couple of years ago, so I haven’t talked to them since then. Well I found that they have gone back on facebook, and have blocked me, lol. For a reason unknown to me, we were quite close at one point, anyway, fuckin childish if you ask me. I’m tempted to make a different account on facebook and tell them to fuck off, I might just do it too.
So we’re still on lockdown, it’s been about 6 weeks or so now, I lose count. Hasn’t affected my day to day life too much, I hate being around people anyway so staying in hasn’t affected me. I’ve been in contact with my doctor twice over phone, which is most important to me, as long as I’m in contact with her, that’s the most important thing to me, I couldn’t give a fuck about seeing anyone else. She caught the virus, but thankfully has gotten over it and is okay now.
I haven’t been doing anything, I’ve gone out once in about 4 to 5 weeks, just for a walk on my own. Moods have been relatively stable, some thoughts of self harming the past week or so.