My anxiety has been sooo bad this past week. I got the stress hives from it as I mentioned before. But I think I also had a small panic attack last Friday, I initially thought it was all physical, but thinking back I’m not so sure, I think it may have been a panic attack. Just going on the symptoms and how I felt seems to fit with a panic attack. I hate those things. I’ve had symptoms now for days afterwards, it does usually take a while for all of the symptoms to disappear. So the weekend was totally shit. I spent nearly all of Saturday on my bed resting, Sunday I didn’t do much, and Today I spent a lot of the afternoon on my bed. The symptoms are starting to go slowly. I think it all came from last Monday when I got really anxious, then maybe it took a few days for a panic attack to happen, I’ve had that happen before.
I had such stressful days on Monday and Tuesday that I think I had a bit of stress hives, which is a first for me. At least I think it is, not 100% sure, I haven’t had a second opinion, it just looks like it. I was very anxious both days, not a lot of fun, some good deep breathing exercises helped.
I have felt some depression these past couple of days though, I’ve been fairly depression free for a little while, but yesterday afternoon and this morning was particularly depressing. It has gotten a bit better this afternoon. I’m starting to long for those nice and calm feelings I get from self harming. Maybe I need to get out more, I don’t know. I can’t really go out too much though at the moment.
Apart from that I haven’t been doing a lot, obviously, the situation being what it is.
So things have been going… the same I would say. Things are pretty similar every day. Funny thing is, I think it’s going to be harder for me to adjust to the lock down ending as it was to the lock down beginning. I like being away from people, that’s been a good thing. With a couple of exceptions of course, I do miss a couple of people but everyone else, I’m glad to be away from. I’m going out walking early every morning so at least I’m getting out a little bit. I think I’m going to find it quite tiring when the time comes for me to get back to something resembling a routine of going out more, being around people tires me out. I haven’t had any serious depressive episodes, some days are a bit flat, but no depression. I have had some thoughts of self harming, I do miss it very much, whether I’ll do it soon I can’t answer that, it’s just some random thoughts at the moment, nothing is imminent. So yeah, everything is just…. the same at the moment.
I got the new Kall album today, through Bandcamp. It’s really good, not as good as the debut but it’s a good listen. The Vinyl was sent earlier this week so looking forward to getting that.
I found out this person who I have known for nearly 20 years, they went off facebook a couple of years ago, so I haven’t talked to them since then. Well I found that they have gone back on facebook, and have blocked me, lol. For a reason unknown to me, we were quite close at one point, anyway, fuckin childish if you ask me. I’m tempted to make a different account on facebook and tell them to fuck off, I might just do it too.
So we’re still on lockdown, it’s been about 6 weeks or so now, I lose count. Hasn’t affected my day to day life too much, I hate being around people anyway so staying in hasn’t affected me. I’ve been in contact with my doctor twice over phone, which is most important to me, as long as I’m in contact with her, that’s the most important thing to me, I couldn’t give a fuck about seeing anyone else. She caught the virus, but thankfully has gotten over it and is okay now.
I haven’t been doing anything, I’ve gone out once in about 4 to 5 weeks, just for a walk on my own. Moods have been relatively stable, some thoughts of self harming the past week or so.
I haven’t got too much to say. It is funny the way that everyone is staying home now and obviously most don’t like it. I’m sitting here thinking well I’ve done that all of my life, what’s the problem. The introvert in me loves staying in and I love staying away from people anyway. So I’ve been doing nothing, moods have been okay.
So obviously, like a hell of a lot of people around the world, the biggest thing going on lately has been the virus going around. It hasn’t affected me directly, which I hope continues. Thing is, they gave all the advice to not go out, stay at home, and it’s pretty much what I do all the time anyway, isolation from other people, so that part of it has not affected me at all, I’m used to being on my own and not being around people much. So staying in the house has been no problem for me, and when I do go out early in the morning just for a walk by myself, I go nowhere near anyone, which again, is what I’m like anyway, so no change there. Luckily hardly anyone is around at 6:30am anyway. But yeah, I have barely been out, spent most of the past week or two in the house, which has been fine by me. I’m most worried if someone I care about catches it. I did have to have a phone appointment with my doctor instead of face to face, which went great. I’ve had a phone phobia for a very long time, I hate using phones, and I was nervous waiting for her to call me, but when she did it felt very natural talking to her over the phone. The relationship I’ve built up with her in person obviously helped a lot. So that went great, she’ll call me again in a couple of weeks or so, she had a cold, sounded a bit rough on the phone, so I hope she gets better soon. So that’s about it for now, the depression has been staying away for the time being, I’ve had some anxiety, but my moods have been pretty good.
In a bit of a shitty mood this evening. I don’t think people realise what words and actions can do to someone unstable. So yeah, I wouldn’t mind some self harming, although I won’t this evening now, too tired.
I saw the Doc last week. I told her about finishing with the mental health worker. she was okay with it, asked me how I felt about it, I said I felt fine. We had a nice chat, she was a bit behind time so I didn’t want to make her even later, but it was really good. I told her that as long as I have her as my Doctor I don’t need anyone else, which is true. I see her again in a couple of weeks.
Apart from that not much has happened the past week or two, my anxiety has not been very good the past week or so, I’ve had some high anxiety spikes some days where I haven’t felt well at all, then some days I’ve been feeling okay and my anxiety has been normal. No depressive episodes, some small times where I have felt a bit depressed but nothing too bad.