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25-11-19 [2]

Someone contacted Pinterest about me because of my profile, very interesting. I can’t be saved though I’m afraid.

Hi,
We’re contacting you because someone in the Pinterest community is concerned for your well-being.
If you’re struggling with depression, low confidence or self-harm, resources are available in our Help Centre.
The Pinterest Team

25-11-19

Last Friday was a bit of a nightmare, I was expecting a call from my Doctor like she said she was going to do. So it was around 6.55PM and I grabbed my phone, I was just clearing some notifications, and I thought she wasn’t going to phone at that so I put my phone on my bed. 5 Minutes later she rang and I missed the call, argh! The ring volume on my phone was low too, I must have put it low some time ago, I don’t like loud things. She did leave a voicemail for me, just saying she rang to see how I was and that she hoped to see me in a couple of weeks. I was fuming at myself for missing that call, I would have loved to have had a talk with her, I just felt so angry at myself. Type of thing that can only happen to me. I had the phone in my hands 5 minutes before she rang 😖. I know she’ll understand when I tell her what happened, I just felt really bad. I can’t wait to see her next week now, just to apologise for missing her call.

I also had a letter today for my appointment with the counsellor, but the appointment was with a man, and I don’t see men. So, rang up and cancelled it. The Lady did say it was in my records that I only see Ladies, she said there must have been a cancellation and someone just fit me in with this man. Anyway, the appointment eventually got changed to a Lady thankfully. I see her on Wednesday this week, which is a bit short notice for me, I don’t really like that. But on the plus side it doesn’t give me much time to get anxious about it. I’m not sure how it’ll go, to be honest I don’t think it’s going to change anything. It’s not going to hurt, and it won’t make things worse, but there’s things that I want to change but things that I don’t. Like, I don’t want to stop self harming, I know a lot of people do, but I don’t, I like doing it, it makes me feel good and I don’t want to stop, so that’s not going to change. I doubt very much if I’ll ever get a friend here where I live, so I doubt if that’s going to change, I’m not really sure what I want. I’ll go to these CBT therapies and just see what happens I suppose, as long as I can still see my doctor that’s the main thing.

14-11-19

Saw the Doc last Friday. Had a good talk with her, told her how everything went with the two mental health workers I saw in the past few weeks. Told her how good it was to go in depth on things, especially things I’ve never been in depth on before. The Doc listened and was really interested in what I was saying, she’s about the only one who’s like that with me. She was glad that everything went well though, she asked if I was happy that she referred me back to the mental health team, and I said yes I was, it’s been going good so far. Told her about getting leaflets off the nurse about self help groups, which I was very unsure of, I don’t really like mixing too much. She understood, just said do the psychotherapy and see how that goes, which I agree with her, I’ll do that and see how far it takes me. So we had a good talk. She didn’t have any appointments in 2 weeks, so I’m down to see her in December now, but she did look at her schedule and said she would phone me in 2 weeks, just to see how I’m doing. Not many Doctors would offer to do that, she’s one of a kind.

Not much else to say, moods at the moment – not too bad. Enjoying the cold weather, I love it cold.

1-11-19

I saw the other mental health worker yesterday. It was a very good appointment. She seemed very interested in everything I was saying, the appointment lasted just over an hour. It was so good to be able to go into things more in depth, because we had more time. And even then, we barely scratched the surface. But it was good, really good. Just talked about everything, self harm, suicide, depression, anxiety, social phobia, everything really. We went in depth into something that I haven’t gone in depth on with anyone before and that was when I took an overdose some years back, it was interesting, maybe more for me than her, just going into what I felt during it, after it, and how I felt about it now. I showed her some self harm photos of mine, showed her my scars. We talked about that. We talked about my childhood depression and anxiety, which is something that bothers me immensely. She also told me about her mental illness problems, anxiety and so on, which was good of her to disclose that to me, I knew then that she knew what I really meant with some of the things I was telling her. I felt a good connection with her, I could sense she knew what she was talking about. She said I was a thinker and not to change that part of me, which was a nice compliment. So it went really well. She is now referring me to have some follow up CBT and psychotherapy sessions, which I’m okay with. She said she hopes she gets to see me again as she would like to work more with me.

When I got home I felt a little weird at first, it’s really a strange feeling for me telling extremely personal things and going in depth on those things with someone I’ve never met before, I’m not a forthcoming person, and I’m not used to telling everything to someone I’ve just met. So I wasn’t sure how I felt… just weird I suppose. I did start to feel better a bit later on, and right now I felt pretty good, I think I’m glad I shared my thoughts.

I am looking forward to seeing my Doc next Friday though, I’m looking forward to telling her how things have gone for me with the two appointments I’ve had since I last saw her. She really is my confidant, I want to share things with her, and I feel totally relaxed with her.

28-10-19

I saw another mental health worker last week. It was good. I talked to her for around 30 minutes, she did introduce me to the idea of going to some self help classes. I’m not sure if I will, I’ve been thinking about it, I suppose it would be nice to get out a bit more and do something different. But the other side of me that doesn’t like mixing is not too keen on the idea. I do sometimes feel that I need more in my life than I have now. But then the other side of me thinks that I should just stay isolated and keep doing self destructive things. So I’m just thinking of things at the moment. She referred me to see someone else. I have an appointment with the new Lady this week, which I am looking forward to.

15-10-19 [2]

Been feeling okayish lately, sort of a 5 on a scale of 1-10. I haven’t self harmed for nearly 2 months now, but it’s coming, I really want to, but there’s been some stuff happening and it’s just not been very convenient still so I can’t right now, but when things get a bit quieter I will then.

Still been going out, flashing those fake smiles. Some people still causing me problems, just either being cheeky bastards, or trying to take advantage of me. I also have been watching out for people following me when I’m walking which is irritating to say the least.

Loving the Autumn, what a beautiful time of year, I love it, turning cold, great to walk in. Getting darker, I love it.

4-10-19

I saw my Doc last Friday, it was a good visit, she was really glad that my appointment with the mental health team went well. I have a new appointment with someone else soon.

I am starting to feel like self harming again, the only problem is that it’s really inconvenient for me at the moment, I’m going to have to hold off on it for the time being and just wait until things settle down a bit.

23-9-19

So I went to my appointment last Wednesday with the mental health team, I saw a really lovely lady, T, the meeting lasted about 45 minutes, it was brilliant. The lady was wonderful, we talked about everything, my self harm, my depression, my suicidal thoughts, medication, the lot. She is now referring me to a counsellor for a while, she said to see how it goes and if I don’t get much out of it then my Doctor can always refer me back to her again. Which I’m fine with that, sounds good. I admit though that I would really like to see T again, she was great. I did feel some anxiety when I got home though, just thoughts in my head of things I should have said but didn’t say and things like that, it always happens, you think of a thousand things after you get home. I love talking to female mental health professionals though, you can tell them anything and nothing fazes them, they just sit and listen. It does get tiring keeping all of this inside of me, it’s a nice feeling to just let it out and be open with someone. My medication is staying the same for the time being. I don’t really want to change my Antipsychotic, I would maybe consider changing my Antidepressant at some point. I see my Doc now on Friday, I’m really looking forward to seeing her and telling her how the appointment went. Overall it was very successful, I’m pleased with how it went.

17-9-19

Saw the Doc last Friday, she did something for me that made me feel wonderful. The fact that she goes out of her way to help me just amazes me, just the fact that it’s for me, a worthless human being just shows what an amazing person she is. I felt great when I left her room, I see her again a week next Friday.

Other than that not much to say, the bruising I got from the last self harming seems to have satisfied me a great deal, I haven’t had any serious thoughts the past couple of weeks, although I have had a few small daydreams about it this evening.

I’ve been the victim of stupidity from people too the past week or two. I wonder sometimes are people born with shit for brains or do they acquire it? Interesting thought that I haven’t worked out the answer to yet.

9-9-19 [2]

So I found out today that I am down right now to see a female psychiatrist, but that some doctors are on annual leave at the moment, and to ring back next Monday to confirm that it is a lady that I will see. Hopefully it will be a lady. I have never and will never see a man.