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17-2-19

I saw Dr. P on Friday. I had been excited about it all week, she gave me a wonderfully warm hug, it was so great welcoming her back. I can’t describe how good it is to have her back, I felt so good, just sitting with her, talking, about the past year, and everything really. I told her how much I missed her, it was just fantastic, no other words to describe it. She said hse was doing great too, said everything was going well with her new baby, which I was pleased to hear. It’s important to me, when I see someone, whether it’s a Doctor, or a Nurse, or anyone like that, it’s important to me to hear how they are doing too. I sometimes feel a bit selfish just talking about myself all the time, and more importantly if I really like someone I want to hear how they are doing in their life too. So it was good to hear that she was doing well. I’ve felt great all weekend after seeing her. I have an appointment with her again in just under 2 weeks, she asked and I said I preferred to see her as regular as I can, she said she preferred that too, I’m looking forward to seeing her again now.

Other than that, to be honest I can barely remember what I did the past week, not much, same routine, no depressive feelings.

12-2-19

Felt down yesterday. It was 9 years since I lost my girl and it made me feel down yesterday, moreso this year than the past couple of years for some reason. Just hit me a bit harder than usual this year, for whatever reason. I do feel a bit better today though.

9-2-19

I saw Dr. H on Thursday, and I asked if Dr. P was back yet, which she said yes she came back last week. So I told Dr. H that I was going back to Dr. P, I said that I felt terrible for saying it and that I didn’t want her to think I was going back to Dr. P because I wasn’t happy with her, I told her I was really happy with the past year, and what she’s done for me. Dr. H was great, said it was no problem at all and that she understood, said she knew that I had been with Dr. P for quite some time and also said that I now have someone to see if Dr. P has to have any time off work again, which made me feel better. But I said I still felt awful, Dr. H said, don’t worry, don’t feel bad, it’s okay. She was great about it. I gave her a hug just to say thanks. I still couldn’t help feeling bad though. But on the plus side I am so excited to see Dr. P again, I made an appointment with her for next Friday. I’m so looking forward to it, I can’t wait to see her again. It’s been nearly a year she’s been off, and I’ve thought about her a lot, just how she’s doing and how her new baby is, how she’s coping, and now I can see her again, it’s a great feeling to have her back.

Pretty quiet week other than that, not many self harm thoughts lately. Maybe it’s the winter, I’m a bit backwards to most people, I hate the summer, and love the winter, it’s my favourite season. I’ve been fairly good for the past couple of weeks now.

9-1-19

Had a pretty good day overall, saw Dr. H and it was a good visit, I enjoyed it. I had some amazingly good news from her, Dr. P is starting back to work at the end of this month! Brilliant! I felt so good leaving the surgery, just the thought of her coming back to work, and seeing her again fills me with joy. It’s going to be amazing to see her again after a year or so, so really looking forward to that. I am a bit concerned though, because I will obviously have to tell Dr. H that I’m going back to Dr. P which makes me feel a bit sad, because Dr. H is a sweet lady and a great Doctor, who has given me good support while Dr. P has been away. I feel a bit awkward, but it’s something I’m just going to have to do.

Rest of the day was good, I had a few beers, so felt a bit merry, which was pretty nice.

8-1-19

Haven’t written anything for a while. Christmas and New Year went okay I suppose, I didn’t feel depressed so that was good. Christmas day was a bit flat at time but it usually is so no surprises there. New Year was just another day, so that was fine too. My moods have actually been fairly stable. I’ve had a few self harm thoughts but nothing too invasive. I saw the Doc last month and I see her again tomorrow morning, so looking forward to that. I’m wondering if Dr P. will be back this month, I hope so, I’m missing her a lot. I’ve been going out a bit more lately, I think it’s better to just go out rather than stay in my room and risk feeling like shit. I also want to make the most of the cold weather, I love going out in the cold and having a walk, it makes me feel good. So other than that, pretty quiet.

22-12-18

Not much has been happening, I haven’t posted any thoughts for a while, things have been pretty smooth, no bad depressive episodes. I do love winter time so the cold weather has been very enjoyable for me. I saw the Doc a few weeks back, which was great, I see her again on January 8th. Funny thing happened to me a few days ago, someone asked me out for a drink… strange. Sad thing is, she’s a bit of fruit loop, I don’t feel any attraction whatsoever, so that was pretty funny, I just said to her “nah” and that was that.

So that’s about it. I’m ready for Christmas and the New Year, doesn’t really affect me either way nowadays.

29-11-18

I self harmed today, it was really enjoyable. 8 needles. Not loads of blood, but you can’t have loads everytime I suppose. Overall though, I enjoyed it and it made me feel good.

25-11-18

I self harmed yesterday afternoon. Felt good. Had a fairly good amount of blood. No particular reason for doing it, just felt like it, so I did it. Haven’t got any bruising today, which is slightly disappointing. But I don’t suppose you can get great bruising every time, so not too concerned. I enjoyed it, and it made me feel good, and that’s the main thing.

17-11-18

I self harmed this afternoon. Done it with needles again. Felt really great. It was funny though, I didn’t plan on doing it today, even 5 minutes before I did it I didn’t plan it. I didn’t feel particularly depressed. I went in my wardrobe for something and saw a pack of needles in there that I’d left there and I just off the top of my head thought, “lets self harm”, and so I did it. I did have some thoughts of self harm the past week or two, thinking that I was going to do it again soon, it was just funny, the way I felt okay, saw them and thought “I mayaswell do it now”. So I did it, and it felt great, didn’t have loads of blood this time, but just enough to satisfy me. I hope I get some bruising now, I still have some left over from last time. I did go into some of the leftover bruising too, so hopefully that’ll help to bruise it up nice. Just chilling out now.

9-11-18 [2]

Not much to say about this week. It’s been pretty average. Mainly flat, with small pockets of feeling pretty good. Thoughts of self harm are there a lot of the time. I still have some bruising from last time, it’s lasted quite a long time so far, nice. I am going to self harm again soon.

Today was very tiring, felt lethargic today. Which is mainly down the anti-psychotics, which make me insanely tired some days, today being one of those days. They make me very hungry too, tiredness and hunger is not a good combination. To be honest the tiredness doesn’t really bother me, if I’m tired I just go and lie down and relax, put my headphones on and just doze, it’s not a problem. I don’t like being hungry a lot of the time though, it’s quite hard to manage. I’ve put on a lot of weight over the years because of it, then have to work hard to lose it. So that bothers me much more than the tiredness, I actually like having tired days to be honest.

It’s been raining this afternoon, my favourite weather, dark, dreaery and rainy. I watched a film, then listened to some music, I looked out the window at the rain, nice and relaxing.