I’m such a fucking idiot. I missed a call from my doctor yesterday evening. I was lying on my bed half asleep with my headphones on, and she called me and I didn’t hear the phone. Fuck sake! Fuming mad at myself today, there were things I wanted to talk to her about. I’ll have to make a new appointment with her next week. I’ve missed calls before and she’s always fine about it, she understands. But I can’t help but be pissed off with myself. I feel so disappointed today. Sometimes it makes me wonder why people even try to care about me, when I go and miss their calls. Argh fuck me! I can’t wait until next week when I can make a new appointment and then apologize to her.
I’ve been quiet on this blog here for a while.
At time I’ve been dealing with extreme anxiety, which when it happens leaves me unable to do almost everything, and I don’t really feel like writing or doing anything else. Thankfully my anxiety is not too bad at the moment. All thanks to my doctor.
I had bad depression for all of March and into April. I made a phone appointment with my doctor, she rung me back as soon as she could. She let me go down and see her face to face, I had already had one vaccine so she didn’t mind me going down there to see her. So I went down and it was brilliant, just seeing her again after over a year, we had a good talk, a very good talk. It was so good just telling the only person I trust that I was not feeling well. She said I should have rung sooner, which I should have, but sometimes I have such a low opinion of myself that I don’t think other people want to help me. But just spending time with her was amazing, it lifted my depression. We went back to phone appointments afterwards, because they don’t like people going down there too much, which is fair enough, I don’t mind that.
Then I got a physical problem which was worrying me and started my anxiety, it was bad anxiety, I couldn’t even look at anyone. I held on until my phone appointment with my doctor and she told me to go down and see her right after we talked, which I did. It was a very personal problem, embarrassing. But the way she handled the situation was just perfect, she told me not to worry she didn’t think it was anything serious, she also told me to stay off google, which I’m like most people, I google my symptoms, but she told me not to do that. Looking back it was after I looked online that my anxiety got really bad. After the appointment I was walking home and I didn’t feel embarrassed about the appointment, what she said and what she did was just perfect, she made me feel at ease. So after that I did stop worrying, and my anxiety started to leave me. The physical problem is still irritating me, but it’s not worrying me.
I have another phone appointment with her this week, I’m looking forward to that. I know I write about her a lot, but she’s the only one I talk to, the only one I truly trust.
So right now, I’m not feeling too bad, trying to relax most days, going out on walks most days and just trying to stay calm.
I’ve had some very bad depressive days over the past week. Last week, from Tuesday onwards was really bad, I nearly self harmed on Thursday, something came up though so it was inconvenient for me to do it. My mood started to rise over the weekend. But today has been shit, since the morning I’ve felt down. The weather really isn’t helping, I hate all of this sunny and bright shit. I’m kind of backwards, I really hate the sunny days. I haven’t had a springtime depression this bad for a number of years. I’ve had it before, but this is the worst for a long time. I’m really missing my doctor, I want to see her, but I can’t right now obviously, but it’s really getting me down, I just want to sit down with her and talk. I’m so tempted to self harm at the moment, maybe I will soon, I don’t know yet. Hopefully things will be a bit better tomorrow.
Had a few shit days. Monday my anxiety was sky high, which then gave way later to depression. Yesterday I was flat all day long, felt quite depressed. Slightly better today, but still I don’t feel too good. Just pissed off with everything too. Haven’t enjoyed my walks. Keep thinking of self harm a lot. I just want to be in complete solitude. I would love if I could go somewhere and just be alone, just walk for miles without having any human interaction whatsoever. Pissed off with other people, but also pissed off with myself.
I have a touch of springtime depression it seems. Some days I’m okay, other days I feel depressed. The depression seems to only come in the first half of the day, the second half of the day my moods tend to pick up a bit. I’ve had some thoughts of self harm, I haven’t really come close as of yet, but the thoughts and memories are soothing to me. The change in weather hasn’t helped. It’s transitioning to springtime and I hate the change in weather, bright and sunny, I can’t stand it, I love the dark days. It’s sad to see the dreary winter days go. I’ve been walking everyday I can, I love walking near nature, the only thing that drains me somewhat is just when I have to walk past people, say hello, whatever else, that drains me. I wish there was places I could go in complete solitude.
Feeling very melancholic these past couple of days, especially today. Maybe it’s the changing of the weather, changing of the seasons, I don’t know. Thinking about old days today, memories, wishing I could go back, relive happier times, and to change the bad times. Knowing that it’s not possible. Feeling wistful, just thinking, thinking a lot of old times. Thinking about if certain things happened differently, other things could have turned out much different. Thinking of past mistakes, but also thinking of things that happened that wasn’t my fault, which bothers me more than my own mistakes. I can live with my own mistakes better than I can living with things that weren’t my fault. Thinking about all of this when I was out on my walk this morning, also thinking of it now though, so much time just to think about things.
Had quite a stable week and a half. I did have a couple of really anxious days nearly two weeks ago, which was not enjoyable. Since then it’s been fairly stable thankfully. Moods have been okayish. Lockdown suits me, it means I don’t have to be around people which suits me just fine. I think sometimes half the problem is that I have to deal with people, not as often as others but I do still have to deal with people which takes a toll. Even when I’m out walking and I walk towards someone I know, I dread it, because then I have to try and make small talk for a minute or two, which is like torture to me. Winter is nearly over, which is a shame, lighter nights ahead, which I hate. Warmer days ahead, which I hate.
My Doctor rang me a couple of days ago. I didn’t even have an appointment, she just rang to see how I was. And people wonder why I think so highly of her, there’s not many doctors who would ring you without an appointment to see how you are. I know because I’ve seen other doctors. She is just not like anyone I have ever met, and that’s whether it’s a doctor or anyone else, she is just amazing. Anyway it was a short call, because I really didn’t have much to report, it’s been a quiet couple of weeks for me. i asked how she was, I don’t want her getting stressed out with everything that’s going on, so it’s important to see how she is feeling as well.
I really haven’t done much at all, I’ve been going out for walks on my own, when it hasn’t been raining too much of course, but other than that, it’s been pretty quiet. Moods have been surprisingly stable lately, anxiety is still not the best, I have good days and bad days.
I’ve neglected this site for a month here, but there we go, just been ultra lazy. Past month has been fairly good for the most part. Had some phone calls off my Doc, a couple of them I didn’t even have an appointment, she just rung to see how I was doing, which means the world to me. She said maybe sometime in spring I could possibly go and see her, depending on how things go with the vaccine and all that. Christmas went well, quiet and relaxing, it was actually a good day, better than last years. New Year I hate and just sleep through. Moods have been pretty okay, anxiety still hasn’t been that good, I’m still getting anxiety, so overall it’s not great. I’m just trying to manage the anxiety as best as I can. I go out every morning in the cold winter air, which I love. Only for an hour or so, just walking by myself, trying to avoid people. Other than that not much else really has been happening.
I have had a pretty shit past week or two. Last Thursday my anxiety started getting bad again, really bad. Lots of pains. Lasted all of last weekend and into the beginning of this week. I can’t seem to shake anxiety at the moment, it has a grip on me. The past 5 weeks or so, anxiety has just been coming over me in waves, and when it starts it’s hard to stop. It would be nice to have a break from it for a few weeks, feel calm for a change. Luckily my depression has kept at bay, I hardly ever get depression and anxiety at the same time anyway, not when it’s a bad case of it. My anxiety and depression are always there even when one is bad, but I don’t generally get both bad at the same time. At some points I’m just sitting here anxious about getting anxious again, not good. I did go and get my bloods done yesterday, which left me with a nice bruise on my arm, it’s tempted me to self harm, it’s a good feeling looking down and seeing a bruise on my arm. It was nice to see a nurse though, I enjoyed that, my Doc put on my notes for my blood pressure and weight to be taken too, she takes good care of me, and people wonder why I have such a high opinion of her. I speak to her next week by phone, which I’m looking forward to, just to be able to tell someone my anxiety has been bad is a relief in itself. I’ve nearly finished my benzos, so I’m hoping she’ll give me some more to have here in case it gets bad again. That’s about it, I’ve been going out for walks, when the weather is okay, which has been nice, nice and cold weather, which I adore.