Got these today, 25 of them. I was excited to get them, sad I know.
Saw the Doc last Thursday and they want another blood test from me because my calcium levels were a bit low, she said that it’s nothing to worry about as it’s only just below normal. I had the second blood tests today, which I enjoyed, I love watching that needle go in to me. The appointment with the Doc on thursday went good, I had a nice chat with her, old her I was thinking of buying some needles to use on myself, she said, is that a good idea? Which obviously it’s not, I know that deep down but it’s something I like doing so that’s the way it is. I enjoyed the chat with her, felt great when I left. Found out that her birthday is on 8th September, so I’ll get her a card and some choccies.
Other than that, a pretty quiet weekend.
So, an update. Moods have been pretty much the same, up and down. I get up in the morning, get a slight relief, then they just go down as the day wears on. Monday was a very subdued day for me, felt very flat all day long, today has been a bit better. I’ve been eyeing up some syringe needles online too, I might buy some soon, play around with them.
I had my bloods taken nearly 2 weeks ago, got a phonecall a few days later, saying I needed more. They want to re-do the bone test, I don’t know why. I have an appoinment with Dr. H on Thursday, I’ll ask then why I had to have them re-done. I’m having it taken on Monday of next week. I am intruiged why they wanted to re-do the bone test, just wondering why, what could possibly be wrong with my bones, anyway I’ll find out soon enough.
I had a family gathering a week and a half ago. Which was very tiring, physically and especially mentally. I felt drained afterwards. But also guilty, guilty that I should have enjoyed myself more, that I should have been happier. When I’m around people for too long I start to feel depressed, then I feel bad because of that which makes me feel even worse. It’s really difficult.
Other than that, not much else to say.
Haven’t posted much as of late. Just been feeling lazy. I did do something bad last week, I missed a Doctors appointment. For some reason I had in my head that it was on the 19th of June. But I checked my appointment paper and it was the 14th, of course I checked after the time it was due, naturally. I thought the 4 looked somewhat like a 9, anyway went down the surgery on the 15th and asked them to check my appointment, and she said you had one on the 14th, I said that I was sorry, I wouldn’t have done that on purpose – I’ve never missed a Doctors appointment, it’s the highlight of my week, I never miss them, other than to illness. The receptionist was fine. She said, that’s okay, so I booked in a new appointment, on 12th of July, long time to wait, but it was my fault, I don’t know why but I had the 19th stuck in my brain from the very day I left the last appointment. I was fuming with myself when I left the surgery, if I had had a knife on me I would have cut myself to punish myself. I did manage to calm down somewhat during the day though. So yeah I was pissed off for missing that appointment, but like I say, all my fault.
My moods have been pretty constant – I would say below average most of the time. No bad depressions, just flat nearly all the time. I have been seeing things again, well once. Which is a bit confusing, when you don’t know if what you’re seeing is real or not. I’m still getting out, doing the same ole stuff, flashing fake smiles and laughs.
I sometimes wonder what it’s like not to hide things all the time and show how you’re feeling. Not to be high functioning but just act how you’re feeling. But that’s just not me, it’s nobody’s business but mine how I feel – and my Doctor too, no one else.
That’s about it I think, I’m still angry about missing that appointment, I’m just going to have to wait now for July.
Past couple of days have been not too bad I suppose. Better than last week, but I feel like it’s a false feeling, that depressive feelings will return. Self harm thoughts are still running through my mind every day. I’m looking forward to seeing the Doc on Friday, it’s about the only thing I have to look forward to.
I go out for walks nearly every day, weather permitting. And there are times when I’m walking wondering what is real and what is not. Like I’m in a dream, it really is difficult sometimes to figure out what’s real and what your mind is making up.
Today was actually pretty good, it makes a change from feeling like shit all the time. I bought some new scalpels the other day, they were sent today, should get here Friday.
Yesterday was sort of okay. I drank a lot to numb the negative thoughts, I was partially drunk. So the day went without much happening.
Today has been alright I suppose. Went for a nice walk this morning, then moved a few things around when I got home, so tried to stay as busy as I could. The negative thoughts have been kept fairly quiet today.
Went to see Dr. H yesterday. It went very well. Told her I wasn’t feeling too good at the moment. Told her about seeing things. She wanted to see me next week to check up on me, but couldn’t fit me in, so I will see her in 2 weeks now. I would have liked to have seen her next week, but, not much I can do about that. She impressed today with her caring nature, I got the feeling she cared, which is good. I feel safe with her until Dr. P comes back.
Feeling low today, well this evening anyway. This morning I had a slight relief when I went out for a walk, but right now, feeling low.
So I think I’ve been seeing things lately. A couple of weeks ago, I saw a wasp fly in my room, except it went behind my TV, I looked for it but it was nowhere to be found. Then today, I was sitting down looking in a small unit and a housefly flew by me, behind the unit, I looked for it, nowhere to be found, with the door closed and window almost closed and the fact I never get houseflies in my room, it leads me to believe I’ve been seeing things that aren’t there. Which I’ve seen things before so it’s not something I’ve never done. I don’t know why I’ve seen these things, it doesn’t scare me, just concerns me a bit I suppose. I sit here thinking, am I going even more crazy?
This past week has been up and down. I seem to be going through the same pattern every day, I wake up feeling not too bad, go out, again feeling not too bad while I’m out, and then as the day progresses my mood just goes down, then by the time I’m in bed I feel like shit, and the thoughts of self harm are strong. I think of self harm every day, I think the only thing that’s stopped me thus far is just inconvenience more than anything else. Sometimes I just want to cut myself up.
I’m still waiting for these chicken pox spots to go too, I’m wearing long sleeve stuff to hide the spots on my arms, very irritating. I think I’ve got a permanent mark on my face from them too.
Saw the dentist on Tuesday, everything was fine, teeth all good. She said I don’t have to go again for 9 months.
I’m looking forward to seeing the Doc next Friday, it can’t come quick enough, haven’t seen her for a while now because of the chicken pox, so looking forward to having a chat with her.
Other than that not much happening, I just like drawing my black curtains 3/4’s shut and sit in a darkened room.