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27-1-20

My anxiety has been through the roof these past few days, it’s been really bad. There’s things I need to do but can’t because it’s been so bad, it’s hard to relax when it’s this bad, I try to but it is really difficult. It’s making me feel like shit physically as well. I need to reply to some people online too but the anxiety has just been consuming me, it’s hard to set my mind on writing replies when I’m anxious, it’s hard to do anything really when you’re anxious.

24-1-20

Saw the Doc this afternoon, brilliant visit, we had a great chat. I do worry about her though, she said she’d had a hard day with people, said she wasn’t very popular today, which made me feel angry at the people making her feel that way. So I told her she was the greatest person I’d ever met, which she is, I don’t lie. I told her no matter how hard your day has been and no matter what people have said to her, that she has patients (me) who think the world of her. I just hope she doesn’t get to the stage where she doesn’t like it at my practice and wants to leave, that’s my biggest fear at the moment, losing my Doc. Having my appointments every 2 weeks with her makes me feel so good, I feel brilliant after every appointment with her, as soon as I leave I can’t wait for the next appointment. I just enjoy so much sitting back being relaxed and talking openly about everything.

I also saw my mental health worker on Wednesday, which was also a good visit. We had a good chat. I’m slowly starting to get used to having someone else in my life to talk to. It takes time with me, I’m very used to being alone, I’m not used to having people in my life, it’s going to take just a bit more time I think.

16-1-20

Saw the Doc last Friday, we had a good chat, talked about my anxiety, she said i could have a short course of benzodiazepines if I want, to help me relax, I said I’m okay for now, will see how my anxiety is over the next 2 weeks, and if it’s still bad I might have some then. It was a good visit, it’s very rare that I have someone in my life who genuinely cares about me, she is one of the very few.

Other than that nothing much else to say, as I said my anxiety is still bad, it’s getting slightly better over time though. Been a bit depressed this afternoon. I’ve been thinking about maybe self harming soon, I don’t know yet.

7-1-20

So, I had a a totally shit Christmas and new year, things happened that ruined it. To top it off I think I had a small panic attack this morning, so I’ve been feeling like shit today. I may write more about what’s been happening soon, I don’t know yet.

I do see a mental health worker tomorrow, which I will admit I don’t really feel like going, but I will. I see my Doc on Friday morning of this week, which I can’t wait for, I always want to see her no matter what mood I’m in.

No self harming or bad depressive episodes over the past few weeks. But lots and lots of bad anxiety.

9-12-19

I saw my Doc last Friday, I gave her some gifts and a card for Christmas. She seemed quite overwhelmed, but she did accept them after I told her how much she deserved them for all that she has done for me this year. She gave me a lovely hug to say thank you, she said she felt bad because she can’t get me anything as Doctor’s aren’t allowed to buy their patients anything, but I told her that’s fine, all I want is her time. She really does deserve the gifts, she has given me more support this year, and the past 3 years for that matter, than anyone else. I loved giving her the gifts, it made me feel good, it’s just a way to show my gratitude, as she goes above and beyond her job to help me. She thinks she’s not doing that much for me but I told her she’s helping me more than anyone, so yeah I felt really good giving those gifts to her. We had a nice chat other than that, I told her about seeing the mental health worker last week. Speaking of which, that went well, she’s a nice lady. But I did feel really tired afterwards, I felt a little subdued, I wasn’t sure how to feel really. I’m not used to going in depth about my personal feelings with people, so I wasn’t sure what to think about it. Some people can just go in a room with someone and tell them everything without much of a problem, I can’t do that, I’ve been alone for a lot of my life so I’ve learnt different ways of coping. But anyway, after a few days i started to feel a bit more positive about it, it’s just going to take me a little while to get used to talking about things in depth again, and with a new person. I have another appointment with her this week. That’s why the doc is so special, I’ve never felt like I’ve said something to her that I shouldn’t. I’ve always felt comfortable talking to her, I’ve always wanted to tell her everything, which is rare. And I’ve always left her room feeling good after an appointment, it just feels right telling her things. But I will try with the mental health worker, I’ll give it a go, I might get used to it sooner than I think.

25-11-19 [2]

Someone contacted Pinterest about me because of my profile, very interesting. I can’t be saved though I’m afraid.

Hi,
We’re contacting you because someone in the Pinterest community is concerned for your well-being.
If you’re struggling with depression, low confidence or self-harm, resources are available in our Help Centre.
The Pinterest Team

25-11-19

Last Friday was a bit of a nightmare, I was expecting a call from my Doctor like she said she was going to do. So it was around 6.55PM and I grabbed my phone, I was just clearing some notifications, and I thought she wasn’t going to phone at that so I put my phone on my bed. 5 Minutes later she rang and I missed the call, argh! The ring volume on my phone was low too, I must have put it low some time ago, I don’t like loud things. She did leave a voicemail for me, just saying she rang to see how I was and that she hoped to see me in a couple of weeks. I was fuming at myself for missing that call, I would have loved to have had a talk with her, I just felt so angry at myself. Type of thing that can only happen to me. I had the phone in my hands 5 minutes before she rang 😖. I know she’ll understand when I tell her what happened, I just felt really bad. I can’t wait to see her next week now, just to apologise for missing her call.

I also had a letter today for my appointment with the counsellor, but the appointment was with a man, and I don’t see men. So, rang up and cancelled it. The Lady did say it was in my records that I only see Ladies, she said there must have been a cancellation and someone just fit me in with this man. Anyway, the appointment eventually got changed to a Lady thankfully. I see her on Wednesday this week, which is a bit short notice for me, I don’t really like that. But on the plus side it doesn’t give me much time to get anxious about it. I’m not sure how it’ll go, to be honest I don’t think it’s going to change anything. It’s not going to hurt, and it won’t make things worse, but there’s things that I want to change but things that I don’t. Like, I don’t want to stop self harming, I know a lot of people do, but I don’t, I like doing it, it makes me feel good and I don’t want to stop, so that’s not going to change. I doubt very much if I’ll ever get a friend here where I live, so I doubt if that’s going to change, I’m not really sure what I want. I’ll go to these CBT therapies and just see what happens I suppose, as long as I can still see my doctor that’s the main thing.

14-11-19

Saw the Doc last Friday. Had a good talk with her, told her how everything went with the two mental health workers I saw in the past few weeks. Told her how good it was to go in depth on things, especially things I’ve never been in depth on before. The Doc listened and was really interested in what I was saying, she’s about the only one who’s like that with me. She was glad that everything went well though, she asked if I was happy that she referred me back to the mental health team, and I said yes I was, it’s been going good so far. Told her about getting leaflets off the nurse about self help groups, which I was very unsure of, I don’t really like mixing too much. She understood, just said do the psychotherapy and see how that goes, which I agree with her, I’ll do that and see how far it takes me. So we had a good talk. She didn’t have any appointments in 2 weeks, so I’m down to see her in December now, but she did look at her schedule and said she would phone me in 2 weeks, just to see how I’m doing. Not many Doctors would offer to do that, she’s one of a kind.

Not much else to say, moods at the moment – not too bad. Enjoying the cold weather, I love it cold.

1-11-19

I saw the other mental health worker yesterday. It was a very good appointment. She seemed very interested in everything I was saying, the appointment lasted just over an hour. It was so good to be able to go into things more in depth, because we had more time. And even then, we barely scratched the surface. But it was good, really good. Just talked about everything, self harm, suicide, depression, anxiety, social phobia, everything really. We went in depth into something that I haven’t gone in depth on with anyone before and that was when I took an overdose some years back, it was interesting, maybe more for me than her, just going into what I felt during it, after it, and how I felt about it now. I showed her some self harm photos of mine, showed her my scars. We talked about that. We talked about my childhood depression and anxiety, which is something that bothers me immensely. She also told me about her mental illness problems, anxiety and so on, which was good of her to disclose that to me, I knew then that she knew what I really meant with some of the things I was telling her. I felt a good connection with her, I could sense she knew what she was talking about. She said I was a thinker and not to change that part of me, which was a nice compliment. So it went really well. She is now referring me to have some follow up CBT and psychotherapy sessions, which I’m okay with. She said she hopes she gets to see me again as she would like to work more with me.

When I got home I felt a little weird at first, it’s really a strange feeling for me telling extremely personal things and going in depth on those things with someone I’ve never met before, I’m not a forthcoming person, and I’m not used to telling everything to someone I’ve just met. So I wasn’t sure how I felt… just weird I suppose. I did start to feel better a bit later on, and right now I felt pretty good, I think I’m glad I shared my thoughts.

I am looking forward to seeing my Doc next Friday though, I’m looking forward to telling her how things have gone for me with the two appointments I’ve had since I last saw her. She really is my confidant, I want to share things with her, and I feel totally relaxed with her.

28-10-19

I saw another mental health worker last week. It was good. I talked to her for around 30 minutes, she did introduce me to the idea of going to some self help classes. I’m not sure if I will, I’ve been thinking about it, I suppose it would be nice to get out a bit more and do something different. But the other side of me that doesn’t like mixing is not too keen on the idea. I do sometimes feel that I need more in my life than I have now. But then the other side of me thinks that I should just stay isolated and keep doing self destructive things. So I’m just thinking of things at the moment. She referred me to see someone else. I have an appointment with the new Lady this week, which I am looking forward to.