Been feeling okayish lately, sort of a 5 on a scale of 1-10. I haven’t self harmed for nearly 2 months now, but it’s coming, I really want to, but there’s been some stuff happening and it’s just not been very convenient still so I can’t right now, but when things get a bit quieter I will then.
Still been going out, flashing those fake smiles. Some people still causing me problems, just either being cheeky bastards, or trying to take advantage of me. I also have been watching out for people following me when I’m walking which is irritating to say the least.
Loving the Autumn, what a beautiful time of year, I love it, turning cold, great to walk in. Getting darker, I love it.
I saw my Doc last Friday, it was a good visit, she was really glad that my appointment with the mental health team went well. I have a new appointment with someone else soon.
I am starting to feel like self harming again, the only problem is that it’s really inconvenient for me at the moment, I’m going to have to hold off on it for the time being and just wait until things settle down a bit.
So I went to my appointment last Wednesday with the mental health team, I saw a really lovely lady, T, the meeting lasted about 45 minutes, it was brilliant. The lady was wonderful, we talked about everything, my self harm, my depression, my suicidal thoughts, medication, the lot. She is now referring me to a counsellor for a while, she said to see how it goes and if I don’t get much out of it then my Doctor can always refer me back to her again. Which I’m fine with that, sounds good. I admit though that I would really like to see T again, she was great. I did feel some anxiety when I got home though, just thoughts in my head of things I should have said but didn’t say and things like that, it always happens, you think of a thousand things after you get home. I love talking to female mental health professionals though, you can tell them anything and nothing fazes them, they just sit and listen. It does get tiring keeping all of this inside of me, it’s a nice feeling to just let it out and be open with someone. My medication is staying the same for the time being. I don’t really want to change my Antipsychotic, I would maybe consider changing my Antidepressant at some point. I see my Doc now on Friday, I’m really looking forward to seeing her and telling her how the appointment went. Overall it was very successful, I’m pleased with how it went.
Saw the Doc last Friday, she did something for me that made me feel wonderful. The fact that she goes out of her way to help me just amazes me, just the fact that it’s for me, a worthless human being just shows what an amazing person she is. I felt great when I left her room, I see her again a week next Friday.
Other than that not much to say, the bruising I got from the last self harming seems to have satisfied me a great deal, I haven’t had any serious thoughts the past couple of weeks, although I have had a few small daydreams about it this evening.
I’ve been the victim of stupidity from people too the past week or two. I wonder sometimes are people born with shit for brains or do they acquire it? Interesting thought that I haven’t worked out the answer to yet.
So I found out today that I am down right now to see a female psychiatrist, but that some doctors are on annual leave at the moment, and to ring back next Monday to confirm that it is a lady that I will see. Hopefully it will be a lady. I have never and will never see a man.
Sometimes I feel like killing people, I come across some stupid fucking idiots, and I just want to kill them. I was the victim of some stupidity today and it makes me so angry that people can be that fucking stupid. I really feel like I could kill at times.
The bruising on my leg has been brilliant, it got larger as last week went on, this past weekend, the bruising was large, the most I’ve ever had I think, nice and dark, it’s really satisfied me very much. I haven’t had too many urges the past week or so, mainly because of being satisfied with the bruising. I should find out by the end of this week, maybe early next week which psychiatrist I’m down to see, like I said if it’s a man I’m cancelling, it’s a lady or no one.
Saw the Doc yesterday. First thing I did was show her the letter from the mental health team, she looked at it and said she was glad that they gave me an appointment. I said that the only problem was that it didn’t say on the letter who it is with, I told her there’s no way I’m seeing a man. So I said is there any way you can find out for me. So she just picked up the phone and said yeah I’ll phone them now, the Doc never ceases to amaze me, she helped me without a murmur. So she’s on the phone for a few minutes and apparently my appointment hasn’t been allocated to a doctor yet, so we have to ring again in about 10 days. The Doc did tell me that she put in the letter that I only see lady doctors, which again is an example of how helpful she is to me, I never told her to mention that, she wrote it by herself, knowing that I will only see female doctors. So I will have to wait at least ten days or so, hopefully it’s with a lady. The rest of the appointment went great, I showed her my recent self harm escapades, she said the bruise looked nasty. She asked me what I do with the needles once I’m finished, which I said I wrap them up so you can’t see what they are and put them in the bin. She advised me to get a sharps bin, then fill the bin with used needles and take it down the surgery when it’s full and she’ll get the nurse to get rid of them. I’d never heard of a sharps bin before, I bought one yesterday. She is just so amazingly helpful and supportive. I forgot to ask if I can put used knives in the bin too, I’ll ask next time I see her, which will be in just over 2 weeks. I’m very happy it’s not 3 weeks like last time, the extra time does make a difference, it feels like I haven’t see her for a lot longer when it’s more than 2 weeks.
So at the moment I feel content, after such a good appointment with the Doc, it makes me feel so good when I have someone who is willing to help me at a moments notice, I haven’t exactly got a list of people willing to do that for me. The self harm I’ve done recently is also making me feel relaxed, the bruising is really good, it’s quite dark, black and blue, every time I look at it it makes me feel good.
I self harmed yesterday. I used needles this time. Ten of them. It felt good, I just felt like I needed to do it, was having a down day. I went out in the morning, and all I was thinking about when I was out was “I have to self harm when I get home”. And I did, in the afternoon, had quite a lot of blood out of it. Thing was, I had something delivered and I was setting that up when I got home, but it still didn’t stop me from self harming. I left the needles in for longer than usual because I was doing something and forgot about the time. I usually leave them in for about ten minutes, but I left them in for nearly twenty, I don’t know if that made any difference. I have some wicked bruising today too.
Last Friday I got a letter from the mental health team for an appointment with them in September. So they obviously got the letter that the Doc sent them and then made an appointment with me. I am anxious about it though, I don’t mind going to see someone, that’s fine, in fact I would like to do that. I’m just concerned about who it is that I’m seeing, the letter doesn’t state who exactly I’m seeing. I have never and will never see a male psychiatrist, I only see Ladies. I prefer seeing a Lady Doctor, I feel better, more at ease, more relaxed, and there’s more chance of me opening up to a Lady. I always have believed that mental health is Ladies work, men can’t do it, only Ladies can. That’s what I believe and that’s how I feel and no one will convince me otherwise. I have an appointment with the Doc next Tuesday, so I’m going to ask her if she can find out for me who I’m seeing. If it is a man then I will have to cancel, if it’s the psychiatrist I saw last time, which was a Lady, then that’s fine, I’ll go. I’ll just have to see what the Doc says next Tuesday. I’m not the type of person that can go in a room with anyone and just talk freely about my problems, when I go into a room I have to feel comfortable with someone otherwise I won’t tell them anything. The amount of people I feel comfortable with I can count on one hand. My last psychiatrist I did feel comfortable with so I know I can talk to her, I just hope it is her who I have the appointment with. I’ll find out soon enough.
Other than that, pretty quiet. My base mood lately seems to be mildly depressed, everything else just goes from there. Thoughts of self harm are always on my mind, I’m thinking about doing more soon. I’ve been going out, flashing fake smiles, as per usual, then coming home and closing my black curtains and just closing the world off and listening to music.