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22-5-18

Past couple of days have been not too bad I suppose. Better than last week, but I feel like it’s a false feeling, that depressive feelings will return. Self harm thoughts are still running through my mind every day. I’m looking forward to seeing the Doc on Friday, it’s about the only thing I have to look forward to.

16-5-18 [3]

I go out for walks nearly every day, weather permitting. And there are times when I’m walking wondering what is real and what is not. Like I’m in a dream, it really is difficult sometimes to figure out what’s real and what your mind is making up.

Today was actually pretty good, it makes a change from feeling like shit all the time. I bought some new scalpels the other day, they were sent today, should get here Friday.

14-5-18

Yesterday was sort of okay. I drank a lot to numb the negative thoughts, I was partially drunk. So the day went without much happening.

Today has been alright I suppose. Went for a nice walk this morning, then moved a few things around when I got home, so tried to stay as busy as I could. The negative thoughts have been kept fairly quiet today.

12-5-18

Went to see Dr. H yesterday. It went very well. Told her I wasn’t feeling too good at the moment. Told her about seeing things. She wanted to see me next week to check up on me, but couldn’t fit me in, so I will see her in 2 weeks now. I would have liked to have seen her next week, but, not much I can do about that. She impressed today with her caring nature, I got the feeling she cared, which is good. I feel safe with her until Dr. P comes back.

Feeling low today, well this evening anyway. This morning I had a slight relief when I went out for a walk, but right now, feeling low.

10-5-18

So I think I’ve been seeing things lately. A couple of weeks ago, I saw a wasp fly in my room, except it went behind my TV, I looked for it but it was nowhere to be found. Then today, I was sitting down looking in a small unit and a housefly flew by me, behind the unit, I looked for it, nowhere to be found, with the door closed and window almost closed and the fact I never get houseflies in my room, it leads me to believe I’ve been seeing things that aren’t there. Which I’ve seen things before so it’s not something I’ve never done. I don’t know why I’ve seen these things, it doesn’t scare me, just concerns me a bit I suppose. I sit here thinking, am I going even more crazy?

3-5-18

This past week has been up and down. I seem to be going through the same pattern every day, I wake up feeling not too bad, go out, again feeling not too bad while I’m out, and then as the day progresses my mood just goes down, then by the time I’m in bed I feel like shit, and the thoughts of self harm are strong. I think of self harm every day, I think the only thing that’s stopped me thus far is just inconvenience more than anything else. Sometimes I just want to cut myself up.

I’m still waiting for these chicken pox spots to go too, I’m wearing long sleeve stuff to hide the spots on my arms, very irritating. I think I’ve got a permanent mark on my face from them too.

Saw the dentist on Tuesday, everything was fine, teeth all good. She said I don’t have to go again for 9 months.

I’m looking forward to seeing the Doc next Friday, it can’t come quick enough, haven’t seen her for a while now because of the chicken pox, so looking forward to having a chat with her.

Other than that not much happening, I just like drawing my black curtains 3/4’s shut and sit in a darkened room.

 

24-4-18

Been sick most of this past 2 weeks. Chicken pox. I didn’t get it when I was a child, and was unlucky enough to get it as an adult. Had some very uncomfortable days. So really haven’t done anything.

11-4-18

Start of the week has been so-so. My anxiety symptoms are still present. Still getting the physical symptoms, it’s not pains, but discomfort, and it’s very irritating. This is the longest that physical symptoms have ever lasted I think.

Other than that, pretty quiet, nothing bad has happened, just been going the same. Still getting the self harm thoughts constantly, and just general negative thoughts. I’m looking forward to seeing the doc again next Friday, I’m starting to feel like I can talk to her so it’ll be nice to have a chat with someone about things.

6-4-18 [5]

Still feeling the effects of anxiety, the physical effects that is. Because mentally I’m not worried about anything at the moment, I’m just getting the physical symptoms of anxiety, which is extremely irritating. But, not much I can do about it.

Other than that the week went okay I suppose. Just done all the usual stuff. Getting self harm thoughts every day, every day it goes through my mind without fail. By the time they are strong though I feel too tired to do it. I will succumb eventually and I will self harm.

3-4-18 – Last Week.

So last week, a bit up and down. One good thing was that I saw my Doctor on Wednesday, a good visit. I’m still getting used to her though so haven’t totally relaxed and opened up yet, but I do like her, so I think I will be alright soon, just takes a bit of adjusting.

My anxiety has been bad these past few days. I’m not worrying about anything, I’m getting the physical symptoms, feeling jumpy inside. Butterflies. Tingly. Hot. It’s starting to really irritate me now, I started feeling this way on Friday I think it was, just a few small “jumps” inside of me. Still had it on Saturday. Then on Sunday afternoon I nearly had a panic attack, I managed to stop that. But i’m still feeling some physical symptoms, I wish it would stop now. It was fine when i went out walking this morning. But of course, I’m sitting around the house now in the afternoon and I’m getting the symptoms again. I just hope it starts to pass soon.