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11-6-19

Saw the Doc last Friday morning. I was a bit weak, she didn’t examine me, I got out of it, felt nervous. I told her the cream helped, which it did, so she said well keep on using the cream and then maybe I’ll examine you next time I see you. So I said that sounded fine. I do want her to examine me, I’m just nervous about it, but I do want to get it sorted out, so I’m going to have to just stop feeling so nervous.

We did have a nice chat after that as well, just about me, my life. I told her I was feeling a bit fed up lately, not depressed, just fed up, with my life in general. Fed up with how shit it is, I yearn for change, for something different, I’m not sure what, a bit more freedom maybe. At the same time I am afraid of change though, so I’m a bit contradictory. I sometimes feel a bit smothered, by family, and want to get more freedom, as I said. I just sometimes want to get a life away from my family and homelife, and have the two separate, a home/family life, but then a more social life. I don’t know. Not social in the sense of having lots of friends and going out all the time, I don’t want that, I’m too introverted, I like listening to music on my headphones in a dark room most of the time. But just to have 2 separate parts of my life.

I see the Doc again in 3 weeks. Looking forward to it.

Other than that, nothing to speak of.

24-5-19

Saw the Doc on Tuesday. It was a physical visit this time. We didn’t talk about my mental health, which has been fine for the past 2 weeks. I had a personal problem physically, a bit sensitive. I was embarrassed, it’s a problem that has been affecting me for literally years. The Doc was great, it was just like talking about something mundane, like an everyday thing. She listened, gave great advice, I felt relieved to finally tell her about it, I ended up feeling at ease talking to her about my problem. Which is no surprise, considering she’s the best Doctor I’ve ever seen. She gave me a cream to use, which seems to be working so far, I can only use it for 7 days though. So she told me to be prepared, she’s probably going to have to examine me next time I see her, which made me feel worried at first. But I’ve been thinking the past few days, I’m not going to feel embarrassed next time I see her, why should I, as I say she is the best Doctor I’ve seen, I feel at ease talking to her about anything, I’ve told her my innermost thoughts and feelings, so why should I feel embarrassed about a physical problem. it’s nothing that she hasn’t seen or heard about before, I really shouldn’t feel ashamed in front of her, so I’m not going to, as hard as that is for me, as I’ve always been an extremely shy person. But I’m not going to feel embarrassed next time, I’m just going to talk openly with her.

That’s about it really, nothing much happening lately. As I say, my moods have been pretty good the past couple of weeks, no serious thoughts about self harming, just the odd passing thought. I’m enjoying the nice walks around nature, I’m out every day except Sunday for around 2 hours a day, it’s really good to get around nature for a while, it calms me.

9-5-19

I transferred to a new host over the past few days or so. It was the first time I’ve had to manually move my WordPress installation to a new host, it was pretty smooth. I did make a mistake on my first attempt, but my second go was successful, and with a bit of tweaking here and there it was all done, pretty happy with how it went. I think I’m going to like my new host.

6-5-19

Saw the Doc last Friday, great visit as usual, to be honest we barely spoke about my mental health, just had a bit of a chat about other stuff, it was a lot of fun. I do have an inflamed cyst apparently too, which I’m taking antibiotics for. Super Doc to the rescue again.

My mental health has been fairly stable as of late, the past 3 weeks or so anyway. I have had thoughts about self harming again soon, just have to wait and see when that occurs.

12-4-19

Feeling okayish the past week or two. I’ve had a bit of a ear problem, a bit of ear pain, I put drops in in, which made it more blocked, so stopped doing that, because my ears are so important with the amount of music I listen to. I see my Doc on Tuesday next week so will see her about it then.

I’ve been getting some urges the past day or two to self harm again. Like I say I’ve been okayish, not too bad, but I can get urges at any time, I probably won’t this weekend though.

The only good thing coming up is my appointment with the Doc, as I said, on Tuesday of next week, I’m really looking forward to seeing her.

29-3-19

Today was a damn good day. I don’t get them that often. I saw my Doc, which was wonderful, really nice visit, told her about the self harming I did a couple of weeks back, she was very supportive, as usual. Showed her the pictures that I took of it. She done a great job of listening. I was in a good mood going in, so it was a nice laid back chat that we had. I left feeling great.

Got home, and listened to the new Consider Suicide album stream on YouTube, which is brilliant, so of course I rushed over to bandcamp and picked it up there, I thoroughly recommend it.

So, a really good day.

17-3-19

Got a nice few bruises from the self harming, not loads of bruising, but enough to satisfy me, a few of them are quite dark, very nice to look at. Pleased.

16-3-19

Yesterday was an amazing day. I saw my Doc, and it was brilliant, we had a long talk about how I’ve been feeling lately, about depression, self harm, it was great. It’s so good to talk in depth about such subjects to such an intelligent lady and wonderful Doctor. She’s the only one I’ve got to talk to about things like this. She also gave me a lovely warm hug at the end of the appointment, wonderful. Having her back in work is the best thing that will happen this year.

And also, I self harmed. I used needles again, it was very satisfying. I had quite a lot of blood out of it too. It was good, I have a little bruising afterwards, I’m hoping that I get some more bruising in the coming days. I was very relaxed afterwards, very nice feeling.

14-3-19

Feeling pretty shit today. Felt subdued for most of the day, and it’s starting to get to a depressive type of feeling by now, nearly evening. I’m thinking about self harming. I won’t today, not sure about tomorrow. I have an appointment with the Doc tomorrow so might wait until I see her before I do anything. I’ve been thinking about self harm for most of this week, the thoughts crept into my mind early in the week and they haven’t left. I crave that high you feel while you’re self harming. I sit here feeling shit and I know for a fact that self harming will make me feel better, it’s a hard thing to withstand, when you know something will make you feel better, it’s very difficult not to do it. I did go out today, I didn’t feel too bad before I went though, it wasn’t until I was coming home that I started to get a bit flat. I’ll still go out again tomorrow, got to flash those fake smiles and act as though I’m “okay”.

5-3-19

Saw the Doc last Friday afternoon and it was fantastic, had a great talk with her, I tell her things that I tell no one else, I left feeling great, looking forward to seeing her again a week Friday.

Not been up to too much really, the thoughts of self harm have slowly started to come back lately, I’ve been thinking about it, I might soon, it relaxes me so much that it’s hard to go too long without doing it.

The winter has ended, which saddens me, I love the winter so much, but it won’t be too long before it’ll be back, just have to get through these infernal warmer months