Saw the Doc last Friday, we had a good chat, talked about my anxiety, she said i could have a short course of benzodiazepines if I want, to help me relax, I said I’m okay for now, will see how my anxiety is over the next 2 weeks, and if it’s still bad I might have some then. It was a good visit, it’s very rare that I have someone in my life who genuinely cares about me, she is one of the very few.
Other than that nothing much else to say, as I said my anxiety is still bad, it’s getting slightly better over time though. Been a bit depressed this afternoon. I’ve been thinking about maybe self harming soon, I don’t know yet.
So, I had a a totally shit Christmas and new year, things happened that ruined it. To top it off I think I had a small panic attack this morning, so I’ve been feeling like shit today. I may write more about what’s been happening soon, I don’t know yet.
I do see a mental health worker tomorrow, which I will admit I don’t really feel like going, but I will. I see my Doc on Friday morning of this week, which I can’t wait for, I always want to see her no matter what mood I’m in.
No self harming or bad depressive episodes over the past few weeks. But lots and lots of bad anxiety.
I saw my Doc last Friday, I gave her some gifts and a card for Christmas. She seemed quite overwhelmed, but she did accept them after I told her how much she deserved them for all that she has done for me this year. She gave me a lovely hug to say thank you, she said she felt bad because she can’t get me anything as Doctor’s aren’t allowed to buy their patients anything, but I told her that’s fine, all I want is her time. She really does deserve the gifts, she has given me more support this year, and the past 3 years for that matter, than anyone else. I loved giving her the gifts, it made me feel good, it’s just a way to show my gratitude, as she goes above and beyond her job to help me. She thinks she’s not doing that much for me but I told her she’s helping me more than anyone, so yeah I felt really good giving those gifts to her. We had a nice chat other than that, I told her about seeing the mental health worker last week. Speaking of which, that went well, she’s a nice lady. But I did feel really tired afterwards, I felt a little subdued, I wasn’t sure how to feel really. I’m not used to going in depth about my personal feelings with people, so I wasn’t sure what to think about it. Some people can just go in a room with someone and tell them everything without much of a problem, I can’t do that, I’ve been alone for a lot of my life so I’ve learnt different ways of coping. But anyway, after a few days i started to feel a bit more positive about it, it’s just going to take me a little while to get used to talking about things in depth again, and with a new person. I have another appointment with her this week. That’s why the doc is so special, I’ve never felt like I’ve said something to her that I shouldn’t. I’ve always felt comfortable talking to her, I’ve always wanted to tell her everything, which is rare. And I’ve always left her room feeling good after an appointment, it just feels right telling her things. But I will try with the mental health worker, I’ll give it a go, I might get used to it sooner than I think.
Okay, today was a good day, I got 2 news CD’s. Make a Change… Kill Yourself – Oblivion Omitted, one of my absolutely favourite bands, and it is an excellent new album, the band never disappoints me. I also had Nocturnal Depression’s new album, Tides of Despair, which is also an excellent new album. Impressed with both.