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1-11-19

I saw the other mental health worker yesterday. It was a very good appointment. She seemed very interested in everything I was saying, the appointment lasted just over an hour. It was so good to be able to go into things more in depth, because we had more time. And even then, we barely scratched the surface. But it was good, really good. Just talked about everything, self harm, suicide, depression, anxiety, social phobia, everything really. We went in depth into something that I haven’t gone in depth on with anyone before and that was when I took an overdose some years back, it was interesting, maybe more for me than her, just going into what I felt during it, after it, and how I felt about it now. I showed her some self harm photos of mine, showed her my scars. We talked about that. We talked about my childhood depression and anxiety, which is something that bothers me immensely. She also told me about her mental illness problems, anxiety and so on, which was good of her to disclose that to me, I knew then that she knew what I really meant with some of the things I was telling her. I felt a good connection with her, I could sense she knew what she was talking about. She said I was a thinker and not to change that part of me, which was a nice compliment. So it went really well. She is now referring me to have some follow up CBT and psychotherapy sessions, which I’m okay with. She said she hopes she gets to see me again as she would like to work more with me.

When I got home I felt a little weird at first, it’s really a strange feeling for me telling extremely personal things and going in depth on those things with someone I’ve never met before, I’m not a forthcoming person, and I’m not used to telling everything to someone I’ve just met. So I wasn’t sure how I felt… just weird I suppose. I did start to feel better a bit later on, and right now I felt pretty good, I think I’m glad I shared my thoughts.

I am looking forward to seeing my Doc next Friday though, I’m looking forward to telling her how things have gone for me with the two appointments I’ve had since I last saw her. She really is my confidant, I want to share things with her, and I feel totally relaxed with her.

28-10-19

I saw another mental health worker last week. It was good. I talked to her for around 30 minutes, she did introduce me to the idea of going to some self help classes. I’m not sure if I will, I’ve been thinking about it, I suppose it would be nice to get out a bit more and do something different. But the other side of me that doesn’t like mixing is not too keen on the idea. I do sometimes feel that I need more in my life than I have now. But then the other side of me thinks that I should just stay isolated and keep doing self destructive things. So I’m just thinking of things at the moment. She referred me to see someone else. I have an appointment with the new Lady this week, which I am looking forward to.