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29-5-21

I’m such a fucking idiot. I missed a call from my doctor yesterday evening. I was lying on my bed half asleep with my headphones on, and she called me and I didn’t hear the phone. Fuck sake! Fuming mad at myself today, there were things I wanted to talk to her about. I’ll have to make a new appointment with her next week. I’ve missed calls before and she’s always fine about it, she understands. But I can’t help but be pissed off with myself. I feel so disappointed today. Sometimes it makes me wonder why people even try to care about me, when I go and miss their calls. Argh fuck me! I can’t wait until next week when I can make a new appointment and then apologize to her.

24-5-21

I’ve been quiet on this blog here for a while.

At time I’ve been dealing with extreme anxiety, which when it happens leaves me unable to do almost everything, and I don’t really feel like writing or doing anything else. Thankfully my anxiety is not too bad at the moment. All thanks to my doctor.

I had bad depression for all of March and into April. I made a phone appointment with my doctor, she rung me back as soon as she could. She let me go down and see her face to face, I had already had one vaccine so she didn’t mind me going down there to see her. So I went down and it was brilliant, just seeing her again after over a year, we had a good talk, a very good talk. It was so good just telling the only person I trust that I was not feeling well. She said I should have rung sooner, which I should have, but sometimes I have such a low opinion of myself that I don’t think other people want to help me. But just spending time with her was amazing, it lifted my depression. We went back to phone appointments afterwards, because they don’t like people going down there too much, which is fair enough, I don’t mind that.

Then I got a physical problem which was worrying me and started my anxiety, it was bad anxiety, I couldn’t even look at anyone. I held on until my phone appointment with my doctor and she told me to go down and see her right after we talked, which I did. It was a very personal problem, embarrassing. But the way she handled the situation was just perfect, she told me not to worry she didn’t think it was anything serious, she also told me to stay off google, which I’m like most people, I google my symptoms, but she told me not to do that. Looking back it was after I looked online that my anxiety got really bad. After the appointment I was walking home and I didn’t feel embarrassed about the appointment, what she said and what she did was just perfect, she made me feel at ease. So after that I did stop worrying, and my anxiety started to leave me. The physical problem is still irritating me, but it’s not worrying me.

I have another phone appointment with her this week, I’m looking forward to that. I know I write about her a lot, but she’s the only one I talk to, the only one I truly trust.

So right now, I’m not feeling too bad, trying to relax most days, going out on walks most days and just trying to stay calm.