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25-11-19

Last Friday was a bit of a nightmare, I was expecting a call from my Doctor like she said she was going to do. So it was around 6.55PM and I grabbed my phone, I was just clearing some notifications, and I thought she wasn’t going to phone at that so I put my phone on my bed. 5 Minutes later she rang and I missed the call, argh! The ring volume on my phone was low too, I must have put it low some time ago, I don’t like loud things. She did leave a voicemail for me, just saying she rang to see how I was and that she hoped to see me in a couple of weeks. I was fuming at myself for missing that call, I would have loved to have had a talk with her, I just felt so angry at myself. Type of thing that can only happen to me. I had the phone in my hands 5 minutes before she rang 😖. I know she’ll understand when I tell her what happened, I just felt really bad. I can’t wait to see her next week now, just to apologise for missing her call.

I also had a letter today for my appointment with the counsellor, but the appointment was with a man, and I don’t see men. So, rang up and cancelled it. The Lady did say it was in my records that I only see Ladies, she said there must have been a cancellation and someone just fit me in with this man. Anyway, the appointment eventually got changed to a Lady thankfully. I see her on Wednesday this week, which is a bit short notice for me, I don’t really like that. But on the plus side it doesn’t give me much time to get anxious about it. I’m not sure how it’ll go, to be honest I don’t think it’s going to change anything. It’s not going to hurt, and it won’t make things worse, but there’s things that I want to change but things that I don’t. Like, I don’t want to stop self harming, I know a lot of people do, but I don’t, I like doing it, it makes me feel good and I don’t want to stop, so that’s not going to change. I doubt very much if I’ll ever get a friend here where I live, so I doubt if that’s going to change, I’m not really sure what I want. I’ll go to these CBT therapies and just see what happens I suppose, as long as I can still see my doctor that’s the main thing.

About Höst

A blog about various things - music, mental health, nature, my very mundane life and various thoughts.

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