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28-8-19

Saw the Doc yesterday. First thing I did was show her the letter from the mental health team, she looked at it and said she was glad that they gave me an appointment. I said that the only problem was that it didn’t say on the letter who it is with, I told her there’s no way I’m seeing a man. So I said is there any way you can find out for me. So she just picked up the phone and said yeah I’ll phone them now, the Doc never ceases to amaze me, she helped me without a murmur. So she’s on the phone for a few minutes and apparently my appointment hasn’t been allocated to a doctor yet, so we have to ring again in about 10 days. The Doc did tell me that she put in the letter that I only see lady doctors, which again is an example of how helpful she is to me, I never told her to mention that, she wrote it by herself, knowing that I will only see female doctors. So I will have to wait at least ten days or so, hopefully it’s with a lady. The rest of the appointment went great, I showed her my recent self harm escapades, she said the bruise looked nasty. She asked me what I do with the needles once I’m finished, which I said I wrap them up so you can’t see what they are and put them in the bin. She advised me to get a sharps bin, then fill the bin with used needles and take it down the surgery when it’s full and she’ll get the nurse to get rid of them. I’d never heard of a sharps bin before, I bought one yesterday. She is just so amazingly helpful and supportive. I forgot to ask if I can put used knives in the bin too, I’ll ask next time I see her, which will be in just over 2 weeks. I’m very happy it’s not 3 weeks like last time, the extra time does make a difference, it feels like I haven’t see her for a lot longer when it’s more than 2 weeks.

So at the moment I feel content, after such a good appointment with the Doc, it makes me feel so good when I have someone who is willing to help me at a moments notice, I haven’t exactly got a list of people willing to do that for me. The self harm I’ve done recently is also making me feel relaxed, the bruising is really good, it’s quite dark, black and blue, every time I look at it it makes me feel good.

24-8-19

I self harmed yesterday. I used needles this time. Ten of them. It felt good, I just felt like I needed to do it, was having a down day. I went out in the morning, and all I was thinking about when I was out was “I have to self harm when I get home”. And I did, in the afternoon, had quite a lot of blood out of it. Thing was, I had something delivered and I was setting that up when I got home, but it still didn’t stop me from self harming. I left the needles in for longer than usual because I was doing something and forgot about the time. I usually leave them in for about ten minutes, but I left them in for nearly twenty, I don’t know if that made any difference. I have some wicked bruising today too.

20-8-19

Last Friday I got a letter from the mental health team for an appointment with them in September. So they obviously got the letter that the Doc sent them and then made an appointment with me. I am anxious about it though, I don’t mind going to see someone, that’s fine, in fact I would like to do that. I’m just concerned about who it is that I’m seeing, the letter doesn’t state who exactly I’m seeing. I have never and will never see a male psychiatrist, I only see Ladies. I prefer seeing a Lady Doctor, I feel better, more at ease, more relaxed, and there’s more chance of me opening up to a Lady. I always have believed that mental health is Ladies work, men can’t do it, only Ladies can. That’s what I believe and that’s how I feel and no one will convince me otherwise. I have an appointment with the Doc next Tuesday, so I’m going to ask her if she can find out for me who I’m seeing. If it is a man then I will have to cancel, if it’s the psychiatrist I saw last time, which was a Lady, then that’s fine, I’ll go. I’ll just have to see what the Doc says next Tuesday. I’m not the type of person that can go in a room with anyone and just talk freely about my problems, when I go into a room I have to feel comfortable with someone otherwise I won’t tell them anything. The amount of people I feel comfortable with I can count on one hand. My last psychiatrist I did feel comfortable with so I know I can talk to her, I just hope it is her who I have the appointment with. I’ll find out soon enough.

Other than that, pretty quiet. My base mood lately seems to be mildly depressed, everything else just goes from there. Thoughts of self harm are always on my mind, I’m thinking about doing more soon. I’ve been going out, flashing fake smiles, as per usual, then coming home and closing my black curtains and just closing the world off and listening to music.