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9-12-19

I saw my Doc last Friday, I gave her some gifts and a card for Christmas. She seemed quite overwhelmed, but she did accept them after I told her how much she deserved them for all that she has done for me this year. She gave me a lovely hug to say thank you, she said she felt bad because she can’t get me anything as Doctor’s aren’t allowed to buy their patients anything, but I told her that’s fine, all I want is her time. She really does deserve the gifts, she has given me more support this year, and the past 3 years for that matter, than anyone else. I loved giving her the gifts, it made me feel good, it’s just a way to show my gratitude, as she goes above and beyond her job to help me. She thinks she’s not doing that much for me but I told her she’s helping me more than anyone, so yeah I felt really good giving those gifts to her. We had a nice chat other than that, I told her about seeing the mental health worker last week. Speaking of which, that went well, she’s a nice lady. But I did feel really tired afterwards, I felt a little subdued, I wasn’t sure how to feel really. I’m not used to going in depth about my personal feelings with people, so I wasn’t sure what to think about it. Some people can just go in a room with someone and tell them everything without much of a problem, I can’t do that, I’ve been alone for a lot of my life so I’ve learnt different ways of coping. But anyway, after a few days i started to feel a bit more positive about it, it’s just going to take me a little while to get used to talking about things in depth again, and with a new person. I have another appointment with her this week. That’s why the doc is so special, I’ve never felt like I’ve said something to her that I shouldn’t. I’ve always felt comfortable talking to her, I’ve always wanted to tell her everything, which is rare. And I’ve always left her room feeling good after an appointment, it just feels right telling her things. But I will try with the mental health worker, I’ll give it a go, I might get used to it sooner than I think.

30-11-19 – New Stuffs!

Okay, today was a good day, I got 2 news CD’s. Make a Change… Kill Yourself – Oblivion Omitted, one of my absolutely favourite bands, and it is an excellent new album, the band never disappoints me. I also had Nocturnal Depression’s new album, Tides of Despair, which is also an excellent new album. Impressed with both.

25-11-19 [2]

Someone contacted Pinterest about me because of my profile, very interesting. I can’t be saved though I’m afraid.

Hi,
We’re contacting you because someone in the Pinterest community is concerned for your well-being.
If you’re struggling with depression, low confidence or self-harm, resources are available in our Help Centre.
The Pinterest Team

25-11-19

Last Friday was a bit of a nightmare, I was expecting a call from my Doctor like she said she was going to do. So it was around 6.55PM and I grabbed my phone, I was just clearing some notifications, and I thought she wasn’t going to phone at that so I put my phone on my bed. 5 Minutes later she rang and I missed the call, argh! The ring volume on my phone was low too, I must have put it low some time ago, I don’t like loud things. She did leave a voicemail for me, just saying she rang to see how I was and that she hoped to see me in a couple of weeks. I was fuming at myself for missing that call, I would have loved to have had a talk with her, I just felt so angry at myself. Type of thing that can only happen to me. I had the phone in my hands 5 minutes before she rang 😖. I know she’ll understand when I tell her what happened, I just felt really bad. I can’t wait to see her next week now, just to apologise for missing her call.

I also had a letter today for my appointment with the counsellor, but the appointment was with a man, and I don’t see men. So, rang up and cancelled it. The Lady did say it was in my records that I only see Ladies, she said there must have been a cancellation and someone just fit me in with this man. Anyway, the appointment eventually got changed to a Lady thankfully. I see her on Wednesday this week, which is a bit short notice for me, I don’t really like that. But on the plus side it doesn’t give me much time to get anxious about it. I’m not sure how it’ll go, to be honest I don’t think it’s going to change anything. It’s not going to hurt, and it won’t make things worse, but there’s things that I want to change but things that I don’t. Like, I don’t want to stop self harming, I know a lot of people do, but I don’t, I like doing it, it makes me feel good and I don’t want to stop, so that’s not going to change. I doubt very much if I’ll ever get a friend here where I live, so I doubt if that’s going to change, I’m not really sure what I want. I’ll go to these CBT therapies and just see what happens I suppose, as long as I can still see my doctor that’s the main thing.