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29-10-18 [2]

Past couple of weeks have been bleh, I haven’t self harmed as of yet, although I feel like it, I’m thinking possibly tomorrow I will do it. If not tomorrow, then Wednesday. I’ve been up and down, as is my usual type of mood these days. Much more down than up though. Still been going out, got to keep up those appearances. If I don’t go out then I get questions why I didn’t go out, which I hate, I despise being questioned why I did or didn’t do this or that. On Saturday I was just insanely tired, all day long, which happens to me every week or two, I’ll have a day where I can barely get off my bed, it’s the joys of being on psychiatric medication. So on Saturday I didn’t go out for a walk in the morning, then I got questioned if I was okay, which I do appreciate the concern, but I still don’t like being questioned, if I don’t do something I don’t want to be asked why.

My mind is full of self harm and suicidal thoughts, they swirl in my mind, pretty much every day. I daydream about falling off a bridge, what it would feel like, what would be running through your mind as you plummet to the ground. It’s something I think about a lot. Or just cutting too deeply and slowly losing too much blood, what’s it feel like to slip into unconsciousness. Sometimes it almost feels relaxing to think what it would feel like.

I see the Doc on Friday afternoon, really looking forward to that. It’ll be nice to see her.

About Höst

A blog about various things - music, mental health, nature, my very mundane life and various thoughts.

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