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30-10-18

I ended up self harming yesterday, not long after the blog I made yesterday. I just all of a sudden felt like it, so I did it. Messed about with the needles again, it was very satisfying. Put 5 in. Put them in , out, then back in. Had a fair amount of blood out of them too, more than I thought I was going to get. I’ve got bruising already, which is nice, I don’t usually get it this fast. I think it could be because there was still some really small bruising from the last time, and I went in around the same place, so I think that’s why it’s bruising already.

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29-10-18 [2]

Past couple of weeks have been bleh, I haven’t self harmed as of yet, although I feel like it, I’m thinking possibly tomorrow I will do it. If not tomorrow, then Wednesday. I’ve been up and down, as is my usual type of mood these days. Much more down than up though. Still been going out, got to keep up those appearances. If I don’t go out then I get questions why I didn’t go out, which I hate, I despise being questioned why I did or didn’t do this or that. On Saturday I was just insanely tired, all day long, which happens to me every week or two, I’ll have a day where I can barely get off my bed, it’s the joys of being on psychiatric medication. So on Saturday I didn’t go out for a walk in the morning, then I got questioned if I was okay, which I do appreciate the concern, but I still don’t like being questioned, if I don’t do something I don’t want to be asked why.

My mind is full of self harm and suicidal thoughts, they swirl in my mind, pretty much every day. I daydream about falling off a bridge, what it would feel like, what would be running through your mind as you plummet to the ground. It’s something I think about a lot. Or just cutting too deeply and slowly losing too much blood, what’s it feel like to slip into unconsciousness. Sometimes it almost feels relaxing to think what it would feel like.

I see the Doc on Friday afternoon, really looking forward to that. It’ll be nice to see her.

27-10-18 – Music

YEAH! When FT said they were going to play Songs to Leave in full earlier in the year, I was hoping that someone would record it and they did, and it’s awesome! My favourite FT album.