Haven’t posted much as of late. Just been feeling lazy. I did do something bad last week, I missed a Doctors appointment. For some reason I had in my head that it was on the 19th of June. But I checked my appointment paper and it was the 14th, of course I checked after the time it was due, naturally. I thought the 4 looked somewhat like a 9, anyway went down the surgery on the 15th and asked them to check my appointment, and she said you had one on the 14th, I said that I was sorry, I wouldn’t have done that on purpose – I’ve never missed a Doctors appointment, it’s the highlight of my week, I never miss them, other than to illness. The receptionist was fine. She said, that’s okay, so I booked in a new appointment, on 12th of July, long time to wait, but it was my fault, I don’t know why but I had the 19th stuck in my brain from the very day I left the last appointment. I was fuming with myself when I left the surgery, if I had had a knife on me I would have cut myself to punish myself. I did manage to calm down somewhat during the day though. So yeah I was pissed off for missing that appointment, but like I say, all my fault.
My moods have been pretty constant – I would say below average most of the time. No bad depressions, just flat nearly all the time. I have been seeing things again, well once. Which is a bit confusing, when you don’t know if what you’re seeing is real or not. I’m still getting out, doing the same ole stuff, flashing fake smiles and laughs.
I sometimes wonder what it’s like not to hide things all the time and show how you’re feeling. Not to be high functioning but just act how you’re feeling. But that’s just not me, it’s nobody’s business but mine how I feel – and my Doctor too, no one else.
That’s about it I think, I’m still angry about missing that appointment, I’m just going to have to wait now for July.