Had an eventful day. Woke up depressed, so I thought to myself “I’m self harming today”. Saw my Dr. at 9.50am and had a lovely chat with her, I told her that I was probably going to self harm today, she that it made her feel upset that I was going to self harm, which inside of me made me feel good that she said that, it’s nice to have at least one person who cares enough to feel upset when I say I’m going to self harm, she’s an extremely caring person. So I got home, had some food, then I self harmed at 11.20am or so. Some pretty good cuts, I done some smaller cuts but quite a few of them, I haven’t used that method for quite some time. My depression was about a level 6 so I didn’t have to do some huge cut to get a buzz from it. I got a fair amount of blood from them. I enjoyed it, it made me feel good, and most importantly it lifted my depression. I’ve felt very relaxed this afternoon, just nice and chilled out, some nice stinging from the cuts, which is always nice. So that’s about it for today.
So, I feel like shit, I feel depressed, right now it’s about a 6 on the depression scale, so right now not super high, but it’s climbing all the time. I have strong urges to self harm, I fought them today. I started to feel a little off on Sunday, in the morning I was okay, but in the afternoon and evening I just felt a bit flat. Monday was much the same, I felt some relief and felt fairly good in the morning, but late afternoon and evening I started to feel a bit more depressed. Today I felt some relief again early in the morning, but mid morning I started to slowly slide down and right now, late afternoon I feel pretty down. It’s lucky in that I have an appointment with my Dr. tomorrow morning, so one of the reasons I fought the self harm urge today so much was that I wanted to see her tomorrow before I do self harm, it might make me feel a bit better.. seeing her. Truth be told I think I will eventually self harm in the coming days, right now I might be able to get away with some smaller cuts, before I get too depressed. I just either feel like lying down or listening to music, it’s about all I feel like doing, I’ll see how I feel tomorrow after my appointment.
A day of two halves. This morning when I was out walking, my legs felt like lead, I walked for nearly 7 miles and I paid for it, was extremely tired. Anti Psychotic tired I guess you could say. But when I got home my energy levels raised a fair bit, and this evening I feel pretty good, a bit lethargic, but not too tired. Moods are pretty stable today.
Last week was fairly good I guess. The highlight was seeing my Dr., had a really nice visit with her, she gave me some Benzodiazepines to help with my anxiety at the moment, as I was feeling anxious and stressed. I see her again in a couple of weeks, looking forward to that.
While I was in the waiting room, this woman sat in the row right behind me and she was stinking, smelling really bad. I was sitting there for about 10 minutes, I couldn’t take it no more so I got up and went to the toilet, came back out and moved up a couple of seats. I could still smell her slightly then, two people sat next to me, and about 5-10 minutes later they went in to the Docs, so I moved up another 2 seats, I was just out of smelling distance then, but I could still remember what the smell was like, I couldn’t wait to get in with my Dr. and get a bit of fresh air, I told my Dr. there was someone smelling out there too. It was gross, that’s twice now I’ve been caught by stinking people in the waiting room, It’s just my luck I seem to attract them. I have zero tolerance for smelly people, it doesn’t cost much to buy some soap, and it doesn’t take much effort to shower and wash yourself. I’ve felt suicidal and still showered, I’ve had terrible depressive episodes and still showered. The only time I didn’t shower for a couple of days was when I lost my girls and I was in a bad state. Even then I wasn’t smelling as it was only a couple of days, and I started showering again after those couple of days. I just can’t understand how these people can’t smell themselves, surely they know they smell like shit. It wasn’t just me either, an oldish man sat in front of her and after 10 minutes he moved to a different seat, a young lady went to sit in front of her and put her scarf over her nose and found another chair. There’s not many worse smells than BO. Dirty stinking people.
Me trying to use a phone..
Got this in the mail yesterday, new Nargaroth. Great new album!
My type of day…