More fun from the other day.
Fun from yesterday.
Felt great yesterday afternoon and evening. Felt like I was just floating, it’s amazing the effect cutting yourself makes, I felt so relaxed, I just chilled out for the rest of the day.
Late afternoon and evening yesterday I started to feel depressed again, very depressed. got up this morning, in 20 minutes I knew I wasn’t going to feel any better today, felt the same, depressed. I lay down for most of the morning, thinking about self harm for most of the time, then I cut myself at around 11.20am, big relief, I feel really good now, nice and relaxed, content. It was a pretty good cut, I’m quite happy with it. So I’ll actually be able to enjoy today now and not feel miserable all day.
I feel not too bad today. The depression is coming on in waves. Yesterday afternoon I felt depressed, but got up this morning and felt some relief, I feel fairly good this afternoon. Like I said it seems to be coming in waves at the moment, one day I feel more depressed than another day. Eventually I will self harm, I always do, but it won’t be today. I kinda feel like just relaxing and listening to funeral doom today.
Got some new CD’s, Clandestine Blaze – City of Slaughter and Frowning – Extinct. Interestingly the Clandestine Blaze took 2 days from Finland, my previous order from Finland took 2 weeks, weird. The Frowning took 8 days from Sweden, not bad, but I’ve had faster from Sweden before. Anyway, both of them are really good new releases, recommended.
Feeling a bit depressed, level 6 I would say at the moment, so not too high right now. I bought some new blades yesterday evening, they should be here in a couple of days, buying them actually made me feel excited and happy. Right now, the thought process is – cut, cut, cut, to feel that small bit of pain when the blade goes in, then the release of seeing the blood flow out. The buzz that you feel. The relief that you feel, the relaxation. I’m not surprised that self harm is addictive, when something gives you that much relief how can it not be addictive. If I cut now I might be able to get away with doing some smaller cuts, because my depression isn’t too serious at the moment. I’ll see what I feel like when I awaken in the morning.