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Got a nice few bruises from the self harming, not loads of bruising, but enough to satisfy me, a few of them are quite dark, very nice to look at. Pleased.

Yesterday was an amazing day. I saw my Doc, and it was brilliant, we had a long talk about how I’ve been feeling lately, about depression, self harm, it was great. It’s so good to talk in depth about such subjects to such an intelligent lady and wonderful Doctor. She’s the only one I’ve got to talk to about things like this. She also gave me a lovely warm hug at the end of the appointment, wonderful. Having her back in work is the best thing that will happen this year.

And also, I self harmed. I used needles again, it was very satisfying. I had quite a lot of blood out of it too. It was good, I have a little bruising afterwards, I’m hoping that I get some more bruising in the coming days. I was very relaxed afterwards, very nice feeling.

Feeling pretty shit today. Felt subdued for most of the day, and it’s starting to get to a depressive type of feeling by now, nearly evening. I’m thinking about self harming. I won’t today, not sure about tomorrow. I have an appointment with the Doc tomorrow so might wait until I see her before I do anything. I’ve been thinking about self harm for most of this week, the thoughts crept into my mind early in the week and they haven’t left. I crave that high you feel while you’re self harming. I sit here feeling shit and I know for a fact that self harming will make me feel better, it’s a hard thing to withstand, when you know something will make you feel better, it’s very difficult not to do it. I did go out today, I didn’t feel too bad before I went though, it wasn’t until I was coming home that I started to get a bit flat. I’ll still go out again tomorrow, got to flash those fake smiles and act as though I’m “okay”.