melankolic.com

Feeling very melancholic these past couple of days, especially today. Maybe it’s the changing of the weather, changing of the seasons, I don’t know. Thinking about old days today, memories, wishing I could go back, relive happier times, and to change the bad times. Knowing that it’s not possible. Feeling wistful, just thinking, thinking a lot of old times. Thinking about if certain things happened differently, other things could have turned out much different. Thinking of past mistakes, but also thinking of things that happened that wasn’t my fault, which bothers me more than my own mistakes. I can live with my own mistakes better than I can living with things that weren’t my fault. Thinking about all of this when I was out on my walk this morning, also thinking of it now though, so much time just to think about things.

Had quite a stable week and a half. I did have a couple of really anxious days nearly two weeks ago, which was not enjoyable. Since then it’s been fairly stable thankfully. Moods have been okayish. Lockdown suits me, it means I don’t have to be around people which suits me just fine. I think sometimes half the problem is that I have to deal with people, not as often as others but I do still have to deal with people which takes a toll. Even when I’m out walking and I walk towards someone I know, I dread it, because then I have to try and make small talk for a minute or two, which is like torture to me. Winter is nearly over, which is a shame, lighter nights ahead, which I hate. Warmer days ahead, which I hate.