My anxiety has been sooo bad this past week. I got the stress hives from it as I mentioned before. But I think I also had a small panic attack last Friday, I initially thought it was all physical, but thinking back I’m not so sure, I think it may have been a panic attack. Just going on the symptoms and how I felt seems to fit with a panic attack. I hate those things. I’ve had symptoms now for days afterwards, it does usually take a while for all of the symptoms to disappear. So the weekend was totally shit. I spent nearly all of Saturday on my bed resting, Sunday I didn’t do much, and Today I spent a lot of the afternoon on my bed. The symptoms are starting to go slowly. I think it all came from last Monday when I got really anxious, then maybe it took a few days for a panic attack to happen, I’ve had that happen before.
Some Shape of Despair with Curse Life.
I had such stressful days on Monday and Tuesday that I think I had a bit of stress hives, which is a first for me. At least I think it is, not 100% sure, I haven’t had a second opinion, it just looks like it. I was very anxious both days, not a lot of fun, some good deep breathing exercises helped.
I have felt some depression these past couple of days though, I’ve been fairly depression free for a little while, but yesterday afternoon and this morning was particularly depressing. It has gotten a bit better this afternoon. I’m starting to long for those nice and calm feelings I get from self harming. Maybe I need to get out more, I don’t know. I can’t really go out too much though at the moment.
Apart from that I haven’t been doing a lot, obviously, the situation being what it is.
Cosmic Memories 2 by HUBRID, great bit of synth.
Vanhelga’s new song, and it’s great.
Got this yesterday, Carach Angren – Franckensteina Strataemontanus.
Got this yesterday, Kall – Brand orange vinyl, and a lovely looking vinyl it is too, really nice.
Interesting article. The positive effects in that graphic and article are consistent with what I feel, but I must say that I have never felt any sense of guilt or shame after I have self harmed. So it’s not really like a vicious circle for me, I don’t feel bad about self harming, which then gives me negative feelings and leads to more self harm, I don’t get any sort of regret after I self harm. I do it mainly because I feel depressed, and sometimes for other reasons, like being angry about something for example. Afterwards – No shame or guilt whatsoever. My scars I look at as my battle scars, that I’m fighting the illnesses that I have.
So things have been going… the same I would say. Things are pretty similar every day. Funny thing is, I think it’s going to be harder for me to adjust to the lock down ending as it was to the lock down beginning. I like being away from people, that’s been a good thing. With a couple of exceptions of course, I do miss a couple of people but everyone else, I’m glad to be away from. I’m going out walking early every morning so at least I’m getting out a little bit. I think I’m going to find it quite tiring when the time comes for me to get back to something resembling a routine of going out more, being around people tires me out. I haven’t had any serious depressive episodes, some days are a bit flat, but no depression. I have had some thoughts of self harming, I do miss it very much, whether I’ll do it soon I can’t answer that, it’s just some random thoughts at the moment, nothing is imminent. So yeah, everything is just…. the same at the moment.