melankolic.com

I saw the Doc yesterday morning. It was good to see her. I was feeling a bit subdued before I went down, but it was great to have a talk with her. She said she is going to send a letter to my psychiatrist to maybe see me again, or to just review some things, I said that was fine to do that. I’ve known the Doc now, for around 3 years and she has not done one thing wrong, everything she has said or done has been perfect. But I do think that she is a bit afraid of saying or doing something wrong by me, which she could never do, but I still think that she is a bit afraid. She knows that she is all I have to talk to, I don’t talk to anyone else here where I live, so she’s all I have, I know she may not have the training that a psychiatrist has had, but she’s caring, a great listener and gives good advice, and that’s important. So we’ll see what the psychiatrist says back to her once she gets the letter.

Now, this past month or two I’ve been feeling negative all around, some depression, sometimes just feeling flat, and other times, as I said, very negative. So I self harmed this afternoon. I cut myself. It felt really good. I haven’t cut myself for a while, I’ve been using needles for nearly a year now, which have been fine, I’ve enjoyed them. But I have also been missing the feeling I get when I use a knife, it’s a different sort of feeling, and I’ve missed it. So today I cut myself. Nothing too bad, quite small cuts really. I wasn’t terribly depressed, so I didn’t really need to do bad cuts. They were enough to give me a good feeling. I have been thinking about maybe doing a bigger cut again, maybe I will soon, who knows, but these smaller ones will do for today. I’m feeling relaxed now.

So I had an email nearly a week ago, from ROSKOMNADZOR. It said I had been sent a notice saying that I had forbidden content (a self harm image) and that my site will now be blocked by communication operators on the territory of the Russian Federation, and to please inform them about the removal of information in the shortest time possible. So there we go I’m blocked in Russia now. I won’t be taking down the offending image, it’s only a few cuts. This is of course assuming that it really is from ROSKOMNADZOR and not a fake message.